April 5, 2008

This was it, my last night of being just me, what was I supposed to do? I looked around my 1bedroomed flat, with everything packed into boxes looking for something to do. By the end of the week all the boxes would be being unpacked in my new husbands place, along way from here; not physically, more mentally. So what does one do on her last night? throw a party? no, people are supposed to throw you parties! that idea goes out the window. Pamper myself? i suppose when im married I wont have time for myself, but everything is packed away. Damn! I should have thought this through properly before packing.I have never felt like this before, so at a lose of something to do. There was always something to do, but now all my somethings were stashed away in storage and I hadnt the foggiest of where they were. Were my books in the box labelled bedroom, study or living room; it seems so long since I sat in his house with my best friend and my wali. He showed us around the house, I assumed I would have the chance to see it more or at least take things in but that wasnt to be :) I smiled at the thought of his place, my new place, our place. Ive never been part of an 'our' and then it just felt right. Subhanallah, I couldnt even get out my computer and trawl the random blogs I usually do, or look up islamic etiquettes for the wedding night, which was might I add freaking me out!So I picked up the next best thing mi celular (my mobile phone) it was at that point that I got the extra kick that i couldnt even swot up on my newest passion; really getting into the language of some of my ancestors, Spanish. I flicked through the phone book and found exactly who I was looking for, my best friend from school; Helena. It rang and rang and noone answered, so my best friend from university it was to be, very close 2nd and only called 2nd because of the time I had known Helena in relation to Davina. She answered after the 4th ring "Assalamalikum habibti, keef halek?"; "Walikum salam, alhamdulillah, Im good thanks. You?' I replied waiting for the infamous excitedness she always screamed when something loomed in the near future, ie my wedding. Her reply was something I was sort of expecting but her action was not. "Im good alhamdulillah, although super super busy at the moment. Can I give you a tinkle later on? maybe tomorrow insha'allah." before I could reply 'thats fine' or even remind her I would be busy she hung up. As soon as I heard the unfamiliar tone of a hang up the tears fell.Why they fell, I could not tell you. Out of fear, depression, anxiety, stupidness. All or one? Who knows! least of all me, but God does and thats what stopped them as soon as they had started as I stood up to make wudu for my immediate decision to pray until I could take no more.

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