As the father

I prayed that insha'allah she would be ok, there was nothing I could do for her at this moment. As a man I had no idea how hard it was to wear the khimar and to feel so different from those around me, it wasnt something I had to deal with. Allah had bought me into my wifes life for some reason and it was our fate that Zara would see life without total Islam, that was something we had to deal with.

Sometimes I was shocked at how strange it felt walking next to her with her head uncovered. I noticed noone staring extra hard, why would they? They didnt know she used to cover it! It was during these walks that I started to truly reach out and understand my daughter, yes hijab was in the Quran for men and women but it was still something that people chose. Yes we know there are consequences but there is no compulsion in Islam, thats what I was always raised with by my parents.

As Zara walked around the streets on errands that needed to be done, I watched as she composed herself, how she talked to people, helped the old lady with her shopping, I listened as she was praised by numerous people while she stood blushing looking to the floor. After Zara took off her scarf I began to see the person the scarf had made her, maybe this is why I couldnt understand why she had decided to take it off. I asked her once this in the line of a question, her answer? 'the scarf didnt make me this person, it just hid it from everyone else. From a muslim it was expected, so hidden and from a non muslim the scarf wasnt looked past' My child has grown into such a caring woman alhamdulillah

Maybe that was why the colour change was such a shock to me. It wasnt the woman I had come to know over the last few months, that woman didnt need the shock factor. That scared me, I had never pretended to know Zara, now I thought that I was beginning to and for that I was grateful. However, now I was back to not knowing her again.

I lowered my head as I pulled on my coat and reached for the door to escape my thoughts and the tensions in the house. I closed the door to the soft weeping of my wife in the kitchen.

As I rest my head in my hands I wonder where it all began, was it my fault she had turned like this? why didnt I choose Islam earlier so she hadnt already been used to the bad world out there? First it was the ripping off of her hijab, the change in schools and now the hair colour, is this what I had done to my own mother? I was given no respect and it wasnt just me, I could see how this was affecting her father too as he sat across the table from me massaging his temper to try to calm himself.

I lean towards him, push my hand to the middle of the table in some sort of comfort, he places his hand ontop of mine, holds it gently and says so quietly that I have to strain my ears to hear his words 'what more can we do?' I pray that we dont give up on Zara because I know how it feels to be lost in this world without a faith, I had been through that and I believed that taking Islam as my own was a gift I was giving to my children from my creator. I only prayed that she saw this before it was too late.

Yusuf stood up from the chair and moved to the window, he placed the kettle on the stove just as Hawa walked through the door and at that instance my mind ran away from me imagining how this would affect her. Would we have to go through the same thing? she sat on my knee tired after running from her friends house down the road. She was only 2 years younger than Zara but never really remembered not being around Islam as much as Zara, she had followed her father around more when she was a child so was exposed in that way. She had been wearing hijab for 2 years now, was in the same Islamic school as Zara had been but showed no signs from changing things as her sister had.

In hind sight, we should have known problems were coming, it was only a matter of time. As I sat with her on my knee I hugged her so tightly I thought I would never let go until she fidgeted and told me 'Mum, i have to go. Me and asma are learning a new surah so I have to go sort it out.' I nodded as I let her go and just as she walked out the door I wiped a single tear off my cheek. As if reading my mind my husband walked past me, kissed me softly on the head and told me 'she will be ok, insha'allah' Insha'allah I reminded myself

My child

It all started one evening when I got home from school, well that was when it started for my mum and for the rest of my family. Things were out in the open from that evening Zara, thats me, was always the odd one out and had now come home with pink hair over her natural straight black hair. I had also had it cut into a bob length when it had never been past my mid back since I was little, but I was sick of conforming to the family and needed to be my own person. My mum hadnt been happy when I told her 5 months earlier that I was taking off my hijab and leaving the islamic school I had joined 3 years earlier to find myself in a public school, with white kids, black kids, children from broken homes, with drug and/or alcohol problems and kids with more metal in their front ends than most of the cars we had ever owned. I was sick of being the muslim girl.. yes I was still muslim but I wanted people to know me before they knew my beliefs and in hijab I couldnt do that. I didnt feel comfortable wearing it anymore when I knew in my heart that I was beginning to question those very beliefs that had been instilled in me since I was a young girl.

Let me explain my family a little. My mum came from your average middle class white family, her father worked hard to get her through school, college and then at university, away from home for the first time, she met my father. He was a recent immigrant into UK, coming from Africa to find a better life for himself away from famine, war, oppression and death. It was hard for him, he couldnt find a job and didnt speak much english so he contacted a number on a local notice board for english lessons in return for information regarding Africa for research. That teacher wasnt my mum, but the teacher couldnt make his first lesson and convinced my mum to take just this one lesson for 10 pounds (which was a lot in those days), she agreed finally and thats how they met. She learnt about his religion, in time they got married, without my mums family present, 1 year later I was born then 5 years later she accepted Islam. Even at that age I realised the restrictions that Islam put on women, I stop playing outside with the boys, I covered my skin and in time I had to cover my hair. I never once blamed my mum, my father doted on me and I knew they were trying to do their best for me.

Now to the present, I walked in the door saw the shock on my mums face and before she could say anything I stormed upstairs and slammed my door to shouts of 'young lady, get down here' from my father. I sat at my dressing table and brushed my new hairstyle, I was happy but it hurt for the pain I had caused my family... but this had to be done, I wasnt a child anymore and they had to understand this. I was a teenager now!!

Reason

'When I first met Ethan I knew that he was different, he had passion in his heart about the things that mattered and he had made his decisions in life. He knew what he wanted to do and he was prepared to give up things for it, that was courageous masha'allah. I prayed istikharah for help in this matter and I asked Allah that if things were to go further to make our paths cross. When we bumped into each other at the mosque I took it as a sign, and an even bigger sign when I realised we had been brought together by the one person i look up to the most aside from Abu, Nasser. I knew that if Nasser could be this close to someone he was special so I decided to mention it to him the night that Ethan came around for the iftar. I asked him to keep my identity quiet because I wanted to see if Ethan thought the same way, I wanted to get to know him a little better outside of pretences and situations. And I have done, and today he proved to me that he thought more of our relationship by protecting me when I needed it, when I wanted it'

Nasser punched me in the arm and frowned 'no biggy, nothing I couldnt handle,' I told him quietly not wanting to interrupt Sadia. At that moment she looked up for the first time since she had come down the stairs, straight at me, my heart pounded and I blushed. She looked back down at her hands and carried on, 'I know there is still so much that I need to know about him, but from the things I already know I know he will make a good husband. I know he will look after me, ask for my opinions, talk to me as an equal and give me what I want. I havent found that yet in a guy who also had Islam so close to him, masha'allah. I want to find out more about him, the things that make him the person that he is, but I want to do it right. So I talked to Abu and Ummi about it and they were all for it. Im sorry I didnt tell you how I was doing this, but I thought you would talk me out of it and demand things to be done a little more properly. I have kept this as halal as possible, Im sorry Ethan for not telling you about it either but I just needed to see those things for myself in natural surroundings and I pray that you all understand.' Aisha put her hand over her daughters and smiled, her dad looked at me and asked 'so now we all know why, is this something that you want to progress with Ethan?' I didnt know what to say, of course I did but how do I say yes without sounding too eager? Would she take me warts and all? then I reminded myself that I had talked to Nasser about my past and if he didnt approve we wouldnt be here now. So I said all I could think to say 'insha'allah' everyone smiled and I breathed a sigh of relief. I sat further back into the chair as people talked and congratulated me, they shook my hand, slapped me on the back, handed me some sparkling juice, but all I could do was watch her as she smiled shyly to the floor. She looked up at me and caught my eye, the connection was there, I had felt it all those times before and now I knew the connection was going to go further I felt much better for following my gut feelings.
This was it, this was my life now and I was totally grateful, alhamdulillah

We arrived and it all started

We walked down the familiar road to the house in a more comfortable silence than at the coffee shop, but still a silence none the less. She pulled out her keys as we got closer to the house and I so desperately wanted to warn her about what was going to happen tonight. Why? Maybe so she could tell me not to say yes, so we could get married... but that was just my mind playing tricks with me and I knew that.

We entered the door and I was slowly taking my shoes off as she walked upstairs to her bedroom and Nasser came out of the kitchen. 'Salam bro,' he said hugging me... 'so you ready?' I shook my head and he saw the sheer terror in my eyes before pulling me into the kitchen. He sat me down and started to pour me some tea, 'you wanna pray isha first? then we can chat for abit. They are here but they dont know you are I dont think, unless Sadia has come down.' I shook my head, 'yeh lets pray,' I told him... we prayed long and hard, I was grateful to him for using longer surahs to give me something else to concentrate on. We even prayed sunnah salah afterwards and then moved back into the kitchen to finish our drinks, Nasser talked a little about the girl and asked what I had reservations about. I told him that my heart just wasnt totally in it and I think he read where I was coming from, 'dude, this is totally new to me. I havent grown up with this and dont know what to expect. Ive fallen hard for someone but know it cant work out and that bothers me for reasons I dont quite understand. I dont even know this girl you are talking about and Im being asked if I want to spend the rest of my life with her.' He nodded, he understood, I knew that.

His father walked into the kitchen, noticing me he seemed shocked that we were sat there drinking tea. Looking at Nasser sternly he said to me, 'Oh, you're here. Well do you want to come inside and talk with us? or sit here and make us wait?' He was smiling, I liked this family, which made it all the more harder to reject what they were offering me. 'Shes upstairs,' he told me... she was upstairs! with Sadia, what would they be talking about? what would Sadia say when she asked her about me? All these questions kept going around in my head and it was making me dizzy. 'She will come down in abit when things have settled. So shall we?' he stepped aside and directed me to the living room. 'I can say no? right?'I asked Nasser and his dad, wanting that confirmation, his dad shrugged, Nasser grinned, 'if you want to,' was the reply. Had I already made my mind up? I was unsure. I just prayed things would work out for the best as I opened the door and stepped in the front room.

The atmosphere wasnt as I had imagined, Amani was sat in the corner finishing homework, Aisha was sat on the couch and Nassers father joined her. There were a few chairs spread around and I did notice things had been moved from how I had taken that mental picture the first time I visited them. I saw another older gentleman who I assumed was the father of the girl we were discussing and Nasser's younger cousin Taheem playing with some toys on the carpet. I assumed he was some relation to the older guy. I was surprised at how many people werent there, for some reason I had imagined more older men and ladies all trying to ask me questions and get me confused. Aisha motioned for me to take a seat and Nasser sat next to me, although why I wasnt too sure, his mother asked how I was.. usual formalities.. and I answered every little question she asked me. She was making me feel more at ease I realised after awhile, making it more normal alhamdulillah. I was introduced to the older gentlemen who I found out was the imam at the masjid behind the house that we had prayed in all that time ago. I found it weird that this was how he was introduced and not as how he was related to the girl in question.
'So, you know why we are all here dont you Ethan?' I nodded. 'Zain is here to just go over a few things that would be expected from you as a husband. The islamic things and feel free to ask him any questions you have,' ok now I was more confused but I listened to what the imam had to say and did even ask a few questions. I had never been in this situation before and as I wasnt really looking for a wife previously I hadnt really read up on the subject, so was grateful for this crash course in islamic marriage. The imam chatted for about an hour, which went by quickly and I even embarassed myself by making a few notes of the things he said, to the amusement of Nassers dad and to the gentle approval of his mum.

Once he had finished I reached for my glass of water and Nassers father turned to me saying, 'so now we should discuss if you think you are ready for this responsibility of looking after our daughter' I dropped my glass, got very flustered and apologised profusely. Aisha realised what had happened and yelled at Nasser in urdu while slapping him around the head. His father came back from the kitchen with a cloth to mop up the water and demanded to know what was going on. I couldnt talk, I grabbed hold of Nasser and looked at him smiling to himself.

'She didnt want him to know it was her!' he told everyone so matter of factly, 'she wanted to make sure that he wanted the same thing before giving him the idea. And... well... it seems he did cause she aint here objecting now, is she?! and you know she would if she wanted!' Aisha shouted her daughter from upstairs. I sat down as I heard her gently walking down the stairs and into the living room, she had changed, was now wearing a loose blue cotton skirt with a white flowing top and one piece hijab that she must have stored away for times like this. She looked at her parents but wouldnt look in my direction when her mother asked her to explain. We all sat down, she sighed and started to explain her reasoning behind the secrecy

The "date"

I stood patiently waiting outside the building Sadia had given me directions to about 30 minutes ago. I tried not to look like I had been waiting long and was aware of how I was standing and also how I was feeling. So I took a little walk, picked up a bottle of iced tea and some water for her from the corner store then sat outside the building. I started up my ipod finishing a lecture that I had started to listen to the night before about the changes in the west and how islam was seeingly trying to keep up with these changes. The lecture was by Tariq Ramadan, a liked muslim lecturer from UK, I liked his thinking masha'allah, he had become a favourite speaker of mine over the last few months. I sat back on the bench and closed my eyes, maghrib wasnt for another few hours, so the sun was still shining and the weather was still pleasant which was nice. I was glad I had changed a little, although still questioned why I hadnt thought I was dressed well enough in the first place but I felt good and I wanted that to be reflected in my clothes. So I had changed into a pair of loose black cords, a white long sleeved tshirt and a black beenie, holding a record bag containing my photos, camera and a few random bits that I normally carry around in my trousers. I must have been sat there for 10 minutes with my eyes closed, only sensing the world go by, when the lecture finished. I opened my eyes to find something else and only then noticed Sadia inside the building watching me, I looked around to see if she was actually watching me and laughed to myself when I looked back. She pushed the door open with a shy smile and walked towards me wearing a long black cord skirt with a matching coloured blazer and a coral loose shirt underneath. Her shoes were flat and dark, her hijab was bright to match her shirt and brought out the blueness of her eyes. 'Assalamalikum,' she said sitting next to me, 'Walikum salam,' I answered pulling the headphones out of my ears and pushing them into my bag. 'How long you been waiting?' we both asked each other at the same time and laughed as I urged her to answer. She shrugged, 'not long. You?' ''Bout 15 minutes, I thought it would take me longer to get here,' I slightly bent the truth. I had thought it would take longer, and it did.. but I was still early because I had set out that much earlier than I should have. I wanted the chance to relax by the building so I didnt look as nervous when she met me.

We chatted for a small time outside the building, she saw people from her meeting leaving and introduced me to them as her 'brothers good friend' I had never been someone's good friend, so it was nice that she was introducing me as this. We talked about what I was listening to, I learnt Tariq was also a favourite speaker of hers, as was Zaid Shakir, Ziaullah Khan ( a brother from Canada), Said Rageah and some others that I hadnt really heard of. I noticed that her tastes were similar to mine and I liked that we had a connection that far when it came to the people we listened to. We chatted about our days since we had last sat down with my camera at her house last week and the things we had been up to. She mentioned some things she may need help with for the MSA and I told her about the assignment I was trying to finish early, the bball game that got cancelled and my never ending problem with my wardrobe. Although I think the last conversation was something for me to just tell someone and somewhat regretted it once I started, but she was open about it and even teased me.

We started to walk away from downtown after deciding to pray at the student prayer room around the corner, grab a bite to eat at the italian place down the road and sit at a coffee shop for a bit. As we walked over to the prayer room my phoned beeped with a message from Nasser telling me that this family wanted to meet me tonight if it was possible. I wasnt too sure if he knew I was with Sadia, so I contemplated how to reply, her phone rang as we were walking along. As she was talking I realised it was Nasser, so was relieved when she mentioned she was with me, I watched her as she talked to him.. typical brother sister relationship which I loved and envied at the same time. She passed the phone to me to talk to him 'Can you come over?' he asked... I looked at Sadia, emotionally torn by what I was discussing with him which in my head totally disrespected her. 'She told me what you guys are doing, but the time she was looking to get back home would be perfect, so??' I laughed quietly, he wasnt the subtle type and thats why I liked him. He didnt care about other people, I knew that the instant I had met him, I thought about his question. 'What time did she say?' I asked, sort of asking the 2 of them. She mouthed '9' to me and he said 'about 830 is what she told me,' I smiled 'insha'allah,' I told him... and then I handed her the phone. I wondered what he had told her about why he wanted to know if I could come back to the house, I would ask her when she got off the phone. By the time she got off the phone we were just walking into the room to pray so I figured it could wait, we grabbed a quick date, I passed her the bottle of water and we joined in the salah.

I made a prayer while in sujud asking God to steer me to the right path with regards to my relationship with Sadia and prayed that things would work out for the best. After prayer had finished I waited outside for Sadia pulling the bottle of iced tea out of the bag, I sat on the wall when I saw her talking to a few friends. She acknowledged me, waved and held up a finger to tell me she would be a minute. I pulled out my camera, I had recently fallen for out of focus shots and used them as a way to blur the world around the object of taking the initial picture. At this point, as I watched her surrounded by friends I was envious of the ability she had to control her thoughts and be involved in such conversations, even though I never knew the conversation. I took 1 shot, 2 shots, 3 shots then focused on a group of guys who were walking past, they looked at the girls and stopped just to the side of them. The prayer room entrance was also close to the entrance for a social room which was frequented by many students outside of class hours. Through the eye glass I saw 2 girls look over their shoulder at something one of the guys must had said, for some reason my camera focused on the sly smile of the guys and I noticed how they moved a little closer to the girls. I noticed Sadia look down and blush slightly, at that moment something took over me and I stood up walking over to them quickly. I stood between the small group of girls and the 3 guys who seemed to be making comments which I could now hear loud and clear. One looked at me with resentment in his eyes, I knew that look and I wasnt prepared to stick around to wait for the comments that came out after it. I looked at Sadia, 'you wanna go?' I asked her and looked towards her friends too, she nodded trying not to catch my eye. I walked behind them in what reminded me of a herding action although it was only meant as a protective gesture I kicked myself for how stereotypical it seemed. 'Frigging Arabs,' I heard one guy comment in a distinctive accent as we walked away. I stopped walking, pulled my ear phones out, Sadia noticed and grabbed my arm to stop me from reacting, I shook my head slowly 'dont worry,' I told her, 'walk on.. Ill catch up in a minute' I noticed the concern in her eyes as she went to grab my arm again but she caught my hand as I walked away from her motioning her to walk on. I walked up to the guys quietly and respectfully, nodded my head to say hello and told them 'I dont know if you treat your women like this where you're from, but that isnt how we do it here. Vale?' the main guy, who seemed to be the talker, his ears twitched at the use of a known word in this sentence of foreign language to him. 'You arabs..' he started.... 'woah dude, Im gonna stop you right there and tell you that none of the girls you just started harassing, or myself are arab ¿Como te llamas?' I asked, showing my lack of respect for him in the words I chose to use in our mutual language. I noticed him tense slightly, 'Miguel' he answered '¿Y usted?' I didnt answer him, just told them 'to learn respect because there are plenty of people around here who would be more than willing to help them learn' If you want to know more about the girls, I suggest you go to a mosque and learn about their faith' I then handed them a small booklet I occassionally gave out to people who asked about Islam. I didnt mind if they threw it away because this was their choice. '¿Es usted musulmán? ' One of the other guys asked me, I nodded my head before walking off to join Sadia who I noticed was stood on her own now holding my bag that I had passed her. She was going through my pictures and I noticed her wiping her face as she looked up and smiled at me.

'You ok?' I asked when I got to her taking my bag from her shoulder, she nodded and handed me back my camera. 'Sorry, I hope you dont mind me looking through your pictures,' I shook my head 'thanks for that' she said quietly. I frowned, not quite understanding what she was talking about until she threw her head in the direction of where I had walked from. I waved off her gratitude with a gentle flick of my hand 'Well youre bro aint here, who else is gonna look after you,' she looked me dead in the eye, 'I dont need looking after,' she told me sternly. 'I know that!' I knew that! I did, 'but I want to,' I had let my guard down and I kicked myself for it.. everything was ruined now. The moment had gone too far and I had submersed myself in my fantasy too much, we walked to the coffee shop in silence only for her to tell me that she would rather go home after coffee to which I was grateful for. Now I just wanted to go home and block out the world, I had ruined it all and for this I would have to answer for it.

We sat down after I picked up the coffee tab to her constant pleas to at least pay for half, it made me feel better to pay for it all. She picked a table that looked into the mirrored walls and we sat on the high stools, her bag rested over her knee and I placed mine on the counter next to me where I could see it. I noticed her foot moving to her internal beat, refreshed that she was still in the same frame of mind as during our garden conversation. Then I wondered if she always did this, or if it was the frame of mind that I put her in, which ever way I was never going to find out.

I broke the silence and told her 'I think Im just gonna drop you off at your place then get back to mine.' She was drinking her tea, which I had timed to see how her reaction would be, she finished her sip and slowly placed the cup down. 'Didnt Nasser want you at our house for something?' I nodded and shrugged my shoulders, 'nothing that cant wait' I told her looking into the mirror, I had to say something this was killing me. 'Listen about what I said before,' she stopped me with her hand and shook her head, 'no' I carried on, 'I didnt mean to make it sound so oppressive or big brotherly, I guess its just how I feel, how I am.' 'Its fine, honestly... dont worry, Im sorry I snapped' Was this how it was going to be now? I looked into my mug and swirled the hot chocolate around the inside to break up the pieces of chocolate shavings I had sprinkled on the top. I sighed. I looked up and caught Sadias eye before she looked down at a newspaper she had just opened. Did I feel that then? Or was it something I just wanted to feel? No, I had definately felt it! the way she looked, she was watching me. Before I could piece these thoughts together she told me, 'look, you should still come round for whatever you were coming around for. Nasser obviously wants you there, I think its something the family want. Please,' Did she know why I was going? I wondered... she continued 'And I know its something you want,' she was still looking down.

She knew, my heart broke. She knew I was going to meet this lady and she was either fighting her feelings to make things right or the mutual feeling wasnt really mutual. My heart snapped in half and my head slapped me around. Pull yourself together man it told me, its obvious how she feels now, so you can move on and live. I didnt know if I could. We spent the time it took to finish our drinks in silence, I messaged Nasser to let him know the change in times and then I walked her home... make or break evening was how it had turned out to be alright

Avoidance & realisation

It took me 3 days of dodging Nasser's calls for me to final unintentionally bump into him on campus. I didnt even realise I had bumped into him until I was walking off after muttering apologies and he shouted my name. 'Dude, where have you been hiding? did you get my messages' I nodded trying not to hold his gaze. 'oooh.. I get it, youre avoiding me?' I frowned, 'of course not, Ive just been really busy with coursework and classes. I was going to phone you once I gave in this assignment and talk about what you had mentioned' He waved me off 'whatever, I dont mind and I totally understand if you dont want anything to do with the situation. But just give it some thought, give it a chance, you never know.' How could I tell him I didnt want anything to do with the situation? this was his family, he would obviously be upset, maybe even think that I thought I was too good for his family. I didnt want that, I didnt want to alienate the only true friend I had made since moving here and then I started to regret my whole attitude to it all. I would think with a more open mind from now on. 'Hey some of the guys I know have a game of bball tonight, you wanna join in? just some guys from my building, not all students. Around 7pm' he thought for a moment before asking 'will this lessen my chances of having to put up with family for a few hours? count me in!' I laughed and remembered why I liked Nasser. 'Come round to mine for iftar if you want, it wont be as big as your party but we can eat, pray then walk around to the courts. It isnt far,' 'Sure, lemme tell the family' And with that he pulled out his phone and phoned his house, I heard him talking to Sadia and my heart ached.. this was another reason I had been avoiding Nasser, I thought if I avoided him I would forget about her, but it didnt work that way and it was hurting me. I realised that they were separate entities and that I shouldnt give up both for one.. I definately wanted the bond I had formed with him to carry on, I wanted a bond with Sadia too but it just wasnt possible and the realisation of that hit hard.

He came off the phone and we started walking down the street, it was still 5 hours until iftar and I didnt know what his plan was for those hours. 'So whats the plan with you until food?' I asked him slightly hoping that he was busy. He scratched his head and thought for a little while 'I got to pick up some things from work to catch up on while Im off and then I got to take Sadia to some meeting downtown. You wanna come?' I shook my head at the thought of seeing Sadia again, 'Ive still got this assignment to finish remember' glad that I had previously mentioned it to him without wanting to lie. The assignment wasnt due in for another 3 weeks, but I had previously made a decision to get it finished early so was giving myself a deadline for 2 weeks earlier, which was actually coming up quickly. 'Ok, well Ill give you a call when Ive dropped her off,' I nodded my head, 'send her my salams,' I told him as we moved apart before stepping forward to shake his hand. 'Ill catch you later then, you want anything particular?' He shook his head and waved before running off in the direction of his work.

So had I come out better for staying away? not at all and I realised that now. She was still in my thoughts occassionally, and I missed the guy who had become my right wing man. I sat down in the park with my books on my lap and thought, I thought about this girl that Nasser had mentioned last week, I thought about Sadia, about how I saw our relationship if any in the future. Was I prepared to forget about it before it even started? Or was I willing to fight for something that might not even be mutual? After an hour of sitting there, on the same bench I came to a conclusion... I couldnt just let it slip by without fighting for it and if it wasnt mutual at least i would know. I took out my phone and sent 2 text messages.
'Wanna meet up and discuss these meetings soon? Can show you some pictures :) lemme know, Eth'
'Maybe I will sit down with you and talk about this girl you mentioned. I need to occupy my mind, see you later. Dude'

I sat and waited. Im not usually a waiting on messages type of guy but the answer and the response time to these were important. I didnt have to wait long for a response, my phone vibrated and I opened a message from Nasser 'insha'allah Ill talk to the family, you can meet em at my place.. think it would be more comfortable. Speak to u later. Dude' My phone vibrated again as I was reading this message 'Hope youre ok over there, be good and please stay in touch, I worry about you. Lots of love, mum xxx' I smiled at the thought of how long it had taken my mum to write those few words. Then remembered who I was waiting for a message from as I dialed my mums number. I sat there for about half an hour talking to numerous members of my family at my mums house and finally made my mum realise I was ok after Lisa nicely told her about my physical appearance when she had seen me last week which I was grateful for. We said our goodbyes and I promised to phone more often, then I hung up to find 3 messages in my inbox, which I wasnt expecting. The first was Nasser apologising that he would have to cancel iftar and the b game with me cause of family stuff. The second was from Sadia suggesting tomorrow night to meet up at the local coffee house on campus. The third was from Sadia asking if I wanted to come over tonight to get her out of some family stuff. I smiled at the thought of brother and sister, 2 opposite sides to the spectrum and also at the thought of me being her scapegoat. I wrote back to Nasser calling him a wuss and telling him to phone me when hes free, during the time I was writing I got a call from a buddy who lived down the hall from me cancelling the game because of work commitments and study sessions within the group. So then I texted Sadia and told her of my open evening, she immediately wrote back and mentioned she was finished at her meeting in 1hour, did I want to meet her from the highrise? 'dad will feel better if Im walking with someone, esp u!' I agreed with her dad and agreed to meet her from her meeting.

This was it, I told myself, this was going to be the make or break evening. I got the bus home to pick up my camera and a few of the prints I had developed the evening before in the campus dark room.

Collective iftar

I ate, prayed fajr and tossed and turned until dhuhr. I awoke unrested and grouchy before absent mindedly walking into the kitchen, I scratched my stomach as I realised and turned towards my computer. Sitting infront of it waiting for windows to open, my mind wandered to how things looked so different today than they had yesterday. This time yesterday I was at the mosque, awaiting the ground to open up and swallow me, then I met Nasser and was connected with his family in ways I only imagined or saw in films.
Today I was going to relax, wake up properly and enjoy the day. Windows kicked in as I walked out of the room and stepped into the shower, I let the water relax me and wake me at the same time. Soaped my hair and was grateful for the workouts that I had pushed myself into from a younger age. Stopped myself from shaving and stepped out the bathroom with a towel around my waist to bump into someone I wasnt expecting. My sister! we didnt get on very well, she had always been jealous of me and got me into a lot of trouble when I was smaller. However, I was a grown man now and I was also aware of the islamic etiquette when it came to your family.
She smiled, which made me question her motives instantly astagfrillah... 'I bought a friend around, and somehow bumped into someone who was looking for you too' I frowned, why was she bringing a friend around here, and who would she bump into looking for me. I followed her to the living room to find her friend, an ex of mine sat on the couch, I breathed in and shot a look at my sister Lisa... God only knows why she was here, and I think she read my face too. She smiled walking over and kissed me on the cheek, I straightened at her touch remembering the reason we had finished. She sensed it too and stood back, 'I thought we could chat,' 'Id rather we didnt actually. I dont want you in my life anymore Alina we made that decision a long time ago. Ive moved on, Ive grown up and Im enjoying life now.' She laughed slyly and followed the contours of my chest muscles with her perfectly manicured finger, I stepped away from her and asked them both to leave politely. At that point I remembered the other person who Lisa had said was here, 'oh some random brown guy, hes in the kitchen' I looked around the corner to see Nasser looking out over the park infront of my building and smiled. He saw me and walked over, trusting his hand out to shake then I pulled him close for a manly hug and smiled inwardly at my comfort at doing this. 'Dude, whats with the ladies?' I rolled my eyes, 'sister & ex, dont ask!' he nodded before we heard the front door slam shut, it was then I remembered I was still wearing just a towel and then I blushed at holding my new friend so close next to bare skin. Things are changing within me, and I felt so much better for the comfort I felt in the things I was now doing.
'So I came over to remind you about tonight, I was just at the school dropping Sadia off and she wanted me to remind you' I blushed slightly and excused myself to go change while nodding my head in the afirmative motion of agreeing with him.
I looked over my wardrobe looking for something a little more dressy than my usual casual gear. In the end it took a lot longer to find something dressy than I had imagined and I made a mental note to sort my clothes and buy some nicer stuff in the future. I eventually finished with a cashmere sweater in a warm brown and a pair of baggy camel cords, thinking to finish with my my tims. Sorted, I thought quite pleased with myself as I walked out to meet Nasser in the living room. 'So what you up to today?' he asked, I shrugged and asked myself why I felt nervous around him... was it because of what he represented? who he was related to? then I shook that thought out of my head.. I couldnt think of her today, not like that, it was too early and I wasnt ready for any of this. 'Probably go down to the library and pick up some books, I need to do a bit of food shopping too. Thats it really, you?' 'Less than that,' he said laughing... 'so we still on for tonight though yeh?' I nodded. '6pm?' he agreed... 'that gives you chance to meet everyone before iftar and salah, if thats ok' 'Hey, if you arent doing anything now.. we can hang together if you want, I was going to take my camera over to the park too, if youre interested that is' He mock punched me in the arm 'youre such a geek dude.. I really dont know what these girls see in you' I laughed deeply, which shocked me when I realised I couldnt remember the last time a laugh had come that far down from inside of me. 'Its my sensitive side' I told him jokingly, 'you should try it, so you wanna come?' 'yeh, may as well.. not much else to do.'
It was amazing the bond and relationship I had formed with this guy, we had spoke briefly on the phone the night before and chatted on MSN about computer and car stuff for a few hours. The bond went further than guy stuff though, I was totally comfortable with telling him things I would never have told anyone before, muslim or non muslim. Which is why I felt ok to tell him about the break up of my relationship with Alina as I focused on the bluebells hanging over the long grass in the area behind one of the ponds in the park. Which is also why I felt ok to tell him about my curiousity and respect for his sister while focusing on the bus parked behind the grey steel fence that kept the rest of the world out of the peaceful section of grass in this busy city. He didnt seem to mind and confessed that as soon as his sister had mentioned me he could tell that Ethan wasnt like the other guys his sister mentioned meeting through the MSA. I blushed and he made fun of me... 'Dude, shes a cool girl.. but shes still my sister, and I will defend her to my last breath' I was totally awestruck at this obvious gesture of protection he felt over his sister and immediately felt bad for my own relationship with Lisa. Which is when I told him about my family and how messed up they were, then about my teenage years venting the anger and hiding the pain. I could tell he understood, I dont know how, but he knew and he allowed me to talk about what I needed to talk about. Then I confessed that I felt like I had known him for years and how it shocked me I could be this open with him. He lightened the mood by telling me 'thats my senstive side bro' we laughed as we fed the ducks (just cause we were fasting, doesnt mean they had to be!)
After all the things we talked about it was nearly time for asr and we started to walk over to the masjid on the opposite side of the park in between the skyscrapers and suits. A park in a city, i loved this city alhamdulillah

The other side of the scale

So there I was sitting in the corner away from everyone, trying my hardest to not be noticed but also trying to involve myself in the conversation by listening in. I didnt know whether I should be doing it, seeing as I could only pick up one or two words of the foreign tongue but it made me feel better to be there so quietly, so timidly.
This wasnt the first time this had happened, it had started after I moved to this city. 'It will be good to be surrounded by muslims' I told myself, people who are practising the deen that has been chosen for me. I scratched my stubble while I listened intentively to someone talking about the iftar tomorrow, 'maybe I will bring something' I thought. 'To push myself out there,' who was I kidding?? I wasnt going to no matter how much I suggested it to my inner self.
It hadnt felt this hard to be a muslim in the little town I had come from, although maybe that was because I blended in so well. At that point I envied the muslimah converts who wore hijab and stood out for the world to see, 'this is my religion' they screamed silently. I needed that push, and it didnt come from anything I would wear, I had 3 day old growth, a no2 buzz cut, wore baggyish jeans and mostly tshirts or shirts... what was I? an average 23 yr old college student? maybe! a muslim? maybe! a random guy looking for food? maybe!
As I was lost in my own thoughts I looked up to see one of the elder guys looking at me, was I being paranoid? no he was definately looking at me, 'oh God, hes coming over' I started to shake slightly and sweat even more so.. how did I ever get this far in my life being so antisocial I wondered. He smiled at me 'Assalamalikum,' and stook out his hand for me to shake, I shook it and replied what I had been learning for the past 2 weeks "just in case" 'I havent seen you around here before,' he said sitting down infront of me enough to realise that this guy looked about my age, maybe a little older. I felt instantly better 'yeh I just transferred to the university here from out east' I didnt want to tell him my life story, 'youre the convert right?' I nodded looking down at myself, was it that obvious?? he laughed probably reading my mind. 'My sister told me,' he said smiling, 'I think you signed up for some group or something at the uni, no?' i realised what he was talking about, the university MSA that I forced myself to join if only to hear what was going on. I nodded, 'what else could I say?' I thought, not wanting to push him away with being too quiet or being too open. 'Listen, about before,' he looked down and scratched his chin before clearing his throat 'you gotta ignore the older guys, they are set in their ways and just be careful. I understand that we shouldnt have to do it, but well... what can I say? they arent practising as well as you hope they are.' I nodded and smiled, 'thanks, I thought it was me' he shook his head and rested a hand on my shoulder... 'nah man, those dudes are just too set in the past. Just stick to the people you know and spread yourself through the group' I raised my eyebrows and told him, 'but i dont know anyone' 'you know me' he said strongly while standing up, strong enough to actually make me believe he was a decent guy who might become a good friend 'Im Nasser,' he said sticking his hand out and pulling me closer for a hug when I shook his. This was the first time anyone had done this, although I saw it all the time between brothers, which made me feel edgy... it wasnt how I was brought up... but this instance made me feel more of a brother and less of an outsider and for that I was grateful to Nasser. 'Im Ethan,' I started before he stopped me 'dude, I know who you are' I was surprised and confused, how did he know who I was? He read this on my face, 'my sister is some top person at the student thing, she knows everyone and I have to tell you bro.. I know how long you have been muslim and if you want to get married in the near future, no pushing, come to me... I hear things regarding you quite often, masha'allah' he told me nudging me at the last arabic phrase I would have to look up later when I got home. I knew it was a good thing and I also knew what he was telling me, something Ive been told all my life from the girls around me.. but I thought being a muslim would make it different, I had read about the segregation of the sexes and the lowering of the gaze. Nasser interrupted my thoughts 'my sister told me what youre doing at school and she said you were pretty smart. She said she liked your thoughts and perspective on Islam, always good to have a fresh outlook on things. Thats what Ive been hearing from a few people about you, so keep those thoughts bro' I sighed quietly... so it was different, they werent as materialistic as the rest of the people I reguarly came into contact with.
Nasser lead me to the door and as we were putting our shoes on he turned to me and said, 'hey you should come for iftar at my place tomorrow, if you can insha'allah, you can meet my family properly then and widen the circle. I have some cousins coming over too who I think are in your year' I nodded tying my shoelaces, this is what I had been searching for and I silently said a little prayer to thank God for guiding me to this brother, or was he guided to me.
Then I was taken out of my dream world when we stepped out of the building into the fresh clean air, the sun shone too brightly after being in a dark enclosed room. I bumped into someone and apologised, maybe a little too much 'hey sads, I invited Ethan over for iftar tomorrow' I had bumped into his sister, she was the MSA girl who I had instantly fallen for when I met her those few weeks ago at the freshers fair. I blushed slightly before focusing my retinas to see her soft smile and noticed she too looked a little flustered, she smiled nodding 'maybe we can chat and I can pick your brain about some things I need help with for the MSA then, if you want to help that is' she said playing with her scarf. I nodded 'sure, Ill help in whatever way I can insha'allah' woah.. dude, where did that word come from? it had left my mouth before even gathering dust in my arabic vocabulary of 3 words, I smiled inwardly to myself.. pleased with the correct word and context I had just used for the first time. Nasser said something to Sadia and she lightly punched him on the arm, I admired her clothing the way her skirt fell from her hips straight to the floor, her adidas trainers showing just the tip, her loose shirt and denim jacket, and the multicoloured scarf that she wore so tightly around her chin that I wondered how she swallowed. I had never felt anything like this before, to not see a woman yet to be so attached and so connected at the same time. It was an amazing feeling after so long of being attracted in relation to the amount of flesh showing, I blushed at how I once had been and at the same time was thankful for being shown the true meaning of a woman.
Nasser and I exchanged numbers even after Sadia told him she had mine, which made me feel warm inside. We parted after giving brief details of our upcoming meeting at the Hussain residence tomorrow at 6pm, ready for maghrib salah and iftar.
I had done it, I had found a true friend in Nasser and I thanked God for it all the way home.

The big day

Once we had paid for the breakfast and left for the civil ceremony things seemed different, I felt we had drifted into an ease with each other already like when we had first met all those years ago. We sat in the back of the car while my mum and Helena sat in the front driving and chatting, the building was abotu 20mins drive away which gave me time to breath and calm myself. As we set off I muttered the duaa for travelling under my breath and turned to see Sulayman looking out the window and doing the same. This is one aspect of marriage I had looked forward to, someone to share my Islam with, to learn from and learn with, insha'allah I had found that in him. He turned back to me and put his arm around the back of my head leaning it on the top of the seat, he smiled at me sweetly and started to talk about what we could do for the rest of the day. He mentioned going back to my flat to pick up the last remaining boxes and of course he wanted to see where I had been living for the past 3 years, to understand what I had done in that time and how I had grown. Also he wanted us to spend some time with my mum, alone, before driving up the the country hotel we had been booked into with some family for dinner and our first night alone. I blushed at the prospect and he smiled as if knowing what I was blushing for, which made me blush even more. Holding my hand he told me, 'you know, the first time I met you I knew you were special and that night was such a turning point for me in Islam. It made me sit back and try to figure out where I was going and what I was doing, I wanted to give my wife something for the hereafter and when I saw you the second time you took my breath away. I thank Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) for giving me this second chance and I pray that we are together for our lives on this earth and in jannah, if you will have me' I smiled 'Insha'allah' I told him before he pulled my hand up to his lips and gently kissed my knuckles. We arrived at the building after repeatedly being told to act our age in the back of the car from my mum after periodically poking and tickling me, we stepped out of the car and brushed ourselves down to calm ourselves before I looked over at him with his hair all dishevelled and burst out laughing so much Davina pulled me to the toilets to fix myself.
The civil ceremony passed in a haze, this was more for my family than for us, to me I was a married woman and I wanted to get down to the business of knowing about the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Once we signed all the documents and posed for enough pictures we arranged the hotel event and everyone split up, I left my friends and husband outside while I changed into something a little less fancy for the rest of the day. I changed into a long chiffon black maxi dress and covered my bare skin with a loose flowing pale yellow cashmere cardigan, the look was completed with black wedged shoes and a black hijab with tiny crystals sewn around in a random pattern. I stepped out of the changing room to see that Sulayman, my mum and Davina too had changed into things more comfortable which made me feel better about the next few hours even more. Sulayman told me he had left his car outside of my mums house, so my mum drove us back there after dropping off my friends at their houses on the way back, we would all be meeting up later at the hotel so that was something to look forward to. As soon as we were dropped off at his car we exchanged bags into his boot and set off for my flat just down the road, once we had found a space to park in I pulled him across the road and quickly opened the front door. I was excited for some reason to show him my place, it was where I was living through this whole experience and it had in some way made me the person that I was today and for that I was thankful alhamdulillah. He smiled when he asked just how many boxes I had and we realised that maybe a few trips up and down the stairs might be in order, he looked around and commented on the little things I had done to make this my home. The touches of colour and culture I had incorporated into the once off white rooms, I was going to miss this, he then proceeded to tell me 'I think we should move out of where Im living by the end of the year, fresh start in a new place.. then you can add your touches to our place' emphasing on the word 'our' I nodded, liked the idea. I sat down on the floor and watched him trying to organise what boxes to take down first before standing up and asking 'fancy a cup of tea?' he nodded scratching his beard 'please, 1 sugar and milk' I laughed... couldnt believe that I had a husband and I didnt know how he liked his tea, it amused me although he looked perplexed when I explained what I was laughing at. Once all the boxes had been moved into the car we left the room quietly, this was an emotional time for me, I had so many good memories from this flat and I was nervous my new life wouldnt give me as many, I prayed it would. I locked the door for the last time and slid the key through the letterbox as my landlord had instructed me the previous week. I breathed a heavy sigh as he came up behind me, I felt his presence and saw his face next to mine as he whispered in my covered ear 'Im really not that bad you know' I smiled and moved as he kissed the side of my head through my hijab. I couldnt understand what I had done to gain the respect and understanding of this guy who had fallen in love with me while we hadnt even known each other. Allahu alim (God knows best) We then headed out to his place to drop off my boxes and pick up his bag for the evening in the hotel, it had previously been decided that the outfits we were all to wear that evening would be in the code of formal ball wear, so he had bought a tuxedo and I would be wearing a chiffon red empire lined dress, with the red kitten shoes I had worn today, a long black thin over coat to cover my arms and a sparkly red hijab that I had picked up at the ball dress shop the week before. I was looking forward to it, especially the food which was supposed to be amazing there, my mum knew the owner of the hotel so the price of the evening was less than most evenings, which was the decider for actually making this a big event.
As Sulayman moved all the boxes into his little house I sat on the couch and looked around, things seemed different from when i was last here all those months ago but it was nice. Clean, calm, modern, I liked it and hoped that the next place would be just as soothing to the soul. I noticed a quran and prayer mat tucked away in the corner and looking at the clock realised it was time for dhuhr, I took out the quran and began to read while I waited for him to finish so we could pray together and i think he realised this because he quickened his pace then washed up ready to pray. He walked in the room and smiled 'you ready?' he asked, I nodded my head placing the Quran back where I found it and took my position behind my husband to pray for forgiveness, for faith and for the ummah around the world. I had never heard his recitation before so it took me by surprise, the tone of his voice, the singing of his words, it was beautiful masha'allah and it was only as I made duaa after the salah that I realised he had brought me to tears. He turned around to face me just as I was counting on my fingers and reciting tasbeeh, when I finished I wiped my eyes and looked up to see a smile on his face that I would grow to wait for over the years. He patted the ground infront of him and pulled me closer towards him as he sat on his prayer mat with an air around him I couldnt even describe. I sat on my legs infront of him, nervous as to what his intentions were this close to each other, he pulled himself closer and opened his legs so each rested either side of me. Now we were face to face, closer than I had ever remembered, he moved closer and gently kissed the tip of my nose as he had done so earlier in the day, then he looked around my head and unclipped the hijab pin at my chin and pushed the scarf back off my head. He placed his hand softly on my head and muttered a duaa that a new husband should say with his new wife 'O Allaah, I ask you for her good and the good of what You have dispositioned her toward and I seek refuge (in You) from her evil and the evil You have dispositioned her toward' then looked at me smiling and leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. The same kiss that we had shared all those years ago, but this one seemed better, more intense, more meaningful and so much more halal ;) I held his face with my hands as it lingered and i waited to see who would be the first to pull away, he did and looked past my head and said quietly 'we should probably get moving, we have the rest of our lives to absorb each other' I laughed, 'hmm, I dont know if I want to absorb you, I just like looking at you masha'allah' he blushed which made me laugh 'come on' I kissed his nose 'lets get sorted' I said standing up and pulling him with me. I walked over to the big mirror hanging over his fireplace and fixed my hijab to look presentable and covering. Then we left the house holding hands and walked to the car to make our way to the hotel, the start of the rest of our lives.

Thanks for reading my stories :) insha'allah you like them and I would appreciate any comments you have to make regarding them. Now, next storyline?? thats something to think about insha'allah

The beginning

the breakfast went smoothly as we all sat around the tables with more family and friends, I occassionally looked up and smiled. It warmed me to see all these people who were so close to my heart, here for me and my special day and as I sat next to my new husband I couldnt stop smiling. The table was cramped so I found myself knocking the elbow of my mum sat next to me as we dived into the breakfasts put before us, but I found comfort in the fact that my husbands leg was tight next to mine, so tight that I could feel the warmth coming from his skin and I blushed everytime I realised I was thinking of this.
Once food was finished people started to break up to move around to talk with people, or just to step outside. I turned to Sulayman and smiled, he stretched his arms in a yawn and rested both either side of him on the chair backs. I sat back and remembered the time when we had first met, it was years ago.. before I became muslim and before he started practising. We went out with a group of friends and sat chatting for a good portion of the night when we realised we had so much in common, we were into the same sports, the same relaxation hobbies, loved to watch the world go by and we had a similar sense of humour which was unusual for any person from this country let alone 2 people from different countries. We talked about our families, our friends, our lives and eventually got talking about politics and religion, it was then that I heard something positive about Islam. At the end of the night we separated with a promise to keep in touch and a soft kiss on the lips. Then 5 years later I got a call from an old friend who was asking if I wanted to meet her for lunch with a few other friends, by this point I had become muslim and agreed to meet them later that afternoon. When I arrived at the meeting place I was shocked to see many friends who I had lost touch with from uni but was nice all the same, and it was then that I noticed Sulayman was also there and looking very different. He saw me then lowered his eyes almost immediately which made me blush as I looked down at what I was wearing to check I wasnt showing something I shouldnt have been. A few people there hadnt known I had converted but they all commented on my hijab and loose skirt like I had always worn them and it made me feel comfortable in the setting. I sat amongst the girls while we ate occassionally looking up to catch his eye, although not on purpose, all too soon it was time to leave and we stood outside hugging each other and promising to keep in touch. The few guys that were out with us all kept a respectable distance away from me and we parted with 'it was good to see you again' and 'glad things are working out for you' then we were there, stood infront of each other. He salamed me, I salamed him back... and then he was gone. I walked back to my car and drove home in deep contemplation, and that was how I spent the rest of the next few days. About 3 weeks later I got a call from the same friend who had initially invited me out and we had a random chat about nothing, she asked how things were going for me in Islam and how things work at the mosque I go to. I was surprised, she had known long before our reunion that I had converted, but never showed this much interest, I was excited to think she was interesting in Islam insha'allah. So I told her all about my mosque, the classes I took there and the women I had met, from the usual Im-willing-to-marry-you-to-anyone auntie to the masha'allah-a-white-muslim-who-i-must-protect. We both laughed and after about an hour she excused herself and we parted with the 'keep in touch, was good to hear from you' speech. About a week later at jummah, the imam (and my wali) came up to me after the salah and asked if he could speak with me, I admit I was a little nervous, it was usually me who went to him asking for advice. This time it turned out he needed me :) we sat down outside the mosque in the sun with the usual crowd of people leaving and walking in the streets outside, he turned to me and explained that a brother had come to him asking for help in finding a wife. I frowned and he read my frown by immediately telling me 'I know you say you dont want to marry yet, but I know this brother, he is a good muslim masha'allah and I feel he would be perfect for you insha'allah' It was the last part of the sentence that made me think again, my wali was thinking about me alhamdulillah, the brother was perfect for me, not you are perfect for the brother. So I urged him to carry on with his speech and reasoning to which he smiled and carried on telling me about this guy, 'you have seen him' he told me... 'although probably not thought much about the next step' I was curious... who was this guy he was talking about. He gave me some background on him and told me if he had a daughter he wouldnt be asking me, he would be giving the brother to his daughter, 'although I dont think he would agree' he said smiling. I frowned quizzically 'why?' I asked, 'because hes asked for you specifically' I blushed.. someone asking for little me, the person who shys into the background and hopes for the moment on the spotlight to pass quickly. At that point I was intrigued but he wouldnt say anything else, 'just think about it, pray istikharah and let me know insha'allah' I nodded and thanked him before standing up. 'I told the brother that if its ok with you we could meet up at his house, bring your mum or a friend, in a few weeks.' 'Insha'allah' I told him before walking off to leave him sitting on the wall as he usually did during the day, as I turned the corner I pulled out my mobile and called Davina who suggested I take my mum. Tentatively I phoned her and talked to her about the situation, it was all a bit weird for her, the whole process but she agreed to come with me if I decided to meet this guy.
I prayed istikharah as suggested by the imam and decided to go for it, I could always say no if it didnt feel right and I was still under the thought that I needed that initial spark. I phoned him up and we set a time for a few days away, which gave me time to think things through but not enough time to be overly thoughful about it, which I usually was.
When the day came I picked up my mum and we drove over to the house using the directions the imam had given me in our last phone conversation, i stood outside the house wondered whos it was. I had never been to the imams house, so it could have easily been his or some random 3rd person, I stood outside in the front garden looking around and taking in the area. It was nice, peaceful and the weather was so stunning that day that I allowed the sun to just pour into my face which made me smile. I dont know how long I was stood there because the next thing I knew my mum was pulling at my arm and I heard a cough behind me, I knew it wasnt the imam (i knew his older chesty cough) so I turned around to see a face that took me by complete shock. 'Sulayman?' I coughed up nearly choking on my own breath, he smiled 'assalamalikum,' i returned his greeting and blushed a little. 'Are you the brother Im here to meet?' I asked innocently, he smiled and told me he had a brother. But then he stopped the story when he saw how my face dropped, he walked over to me... 'I hope I get more of a smile than that on our wedding day' I blushed profusly at that point, realising the game he was playing and liking that even though he had become a lot more practising masha'allah that he was still very down to earth and hadnt lost his sense of humour. My wali came out of the house holding a bottle of water, 'should we go inside, or do you want to talk out here?' we both looked at each other and without saying a word Sulayman produced a few picnic chairs and a blanket to sit on outside alhamdulilah.
And that was where it all started.

Him

We walked down the stairs and opened the door to find the girls chatting amongst themselves, I tried to straighten myself out before Helena ran over to me 'Girl, does he have a brother?' I was surprised and totally taken off guard. 'who?' I asked... she rolled her eyes, 'who do you think, this dude youre going to spend the rest of your life with!' Davina came over 'we just met him, masha'allah hes so adorable sis and he totally thinks the world of you. So? does he?' I nodded and told them 'you might have to wait awhile though, hes still at school' and flicked my head over in the direction of young Isa. They all turned to look at the young boy stood there fixing his flower so hes ready for later and wearing a massive smile when I waved in his direction. We all giggled and I was tapped lightly on the arm for being immature ;) I was given a low down from the girls as to how everything was going to happen, it didnt sound like much, I had already gone through the marriage certificate with the imam a few days before so we only really had to go through it.. make sure everyone agreed and do the added religious stuff too. I hadnt seen my future hubby for a few weeks, he had been away working in Malaysia so it would be nice to see him at last and I was a little jealous the girls had seen him before me. I knew my mum had seen him last week, he wanted to talk about 'stuff' with her, so I let him be and gave him my mums number after she agreed; its funny, it was only now that I was wondering what they had discussed. I noticed someone walking over to our group with the imam (who was my wali too) he was wearing a cream suit and was playing with the watch around his wrist. He laughed at something the imam said and I frowned as they approached, it was only when he was stood infront of me that I realised it was him, the man I would be spending the rest of my life with insha'allah. I blushed as he looked up and smiled at me 'you ready?' he asked.. not wanting to blurt out anything stupid I nodded and we all followed the imam into his office. As we sat down I looked around the table at my mum, Davina, Helena, Isa, a few of my close cousins, two of his best friends (one of which was acting as a witness, as were my 2 girls) and of course, us. The happy couple! Everything seemed to be happening quickly and I just sat there taking in the words of the imam and smiling when he would say something humourous, which was quite often masha'allah. Then he asked me to sign the certificate and asked my husband to hand over the mahr which I had asked for, as he handed over the box full of little presents that we had picked out over the last few months his fingers brushed mine which bolted me right back to reality, this was it.. .we were now officially in the eyes of God, married... yet still we both blushed when I sat upright after the initial touch. We sat listening to a few words from our friends and family, all I could think about was that touch, it seemed so magical and like nothing I had ever felt before, but most importantly it felt right. Alhamdulillah. After everything was over we all walked down the road to the restaurant where we were to eat breakfast, everything had already been ordered and surprisingly enough we were on time.. so things were working well alhamdulillah. I sort of fell behind trying to make myself look ok with less hours sleep than I usually have and a dragging sensation on my legs, Sulayman turned and noticed I was taking my time so he dropped back with me. 'You ok?' he asked, I nodded... 'just seems so surreal you know, weird almost' he nodded in agreement and took the box from me aswell as all the bits I was trying to carry. 'We will get through this day, and then we can spend the rest of our lives trying to make it unweird. Insha'allah everything with be fine, and you know I will always be here for you if you need me.' I laughed 'you better had be' I told him mockingly 'I didnt go through all this for nothing!' Now he laughed, and it was a laugh i had never heard out of him before, it wasnt as strained or tight as previous laughs and at that point I knew everything was going to work out. He stopped in the middle of the street and turned to me 'this will be ok wont it?' at that moment my heart opened with love for the trust that he was putting in Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) to know that marrying me was the right thing to do. I smiled and without even realising what I was doing held his face in my hand 'insha'allah' I told him, he leaned forward and gently kissed the tip of my nose. We both smiled at each other then turned towards the rest of the group who were turning into the restaurant and walked quickly to join them hand in hand.

the day

.... after sitting on the toilet seat for 10mins to allow myself time to relax I stood up and headed out the bathroom once more. Everyone looked at me waiting to see what I would do next, I breathed in and muttered a little duaa under my breath, Davina smiled and pulled me away from the bathroom to sit with a cup of mint tea. They continued to tell me that the relatives had been picked up at the train station, my luggage was officially on the way to the hotel and that the flowers had already been picked up by my future husbands little brother alhamdulillah so there was nothing for me to do other than get ready and arrive on time. It was coming up to nearly 9am and I decided that I wanted to get there early to prepare myself and maybe pray a little before we all sat down. This would be my first muslim wedding to attend and I would have been more excited by that prospect if there wasnt a huge knot in my stomach for the anticipation of the hours to come. While I sat staring out the window at the trees gently blowing in the breeze I heard a little toot toot and looked below to see the usual female cab driver waving up at my bare window. 'Taxi's here!" I shouted to my flat and there was a quick rush around for bags, the last sip of tea, the quick brush of teeth and the look around the flat before I closed the door on that part of my life forever. It got a little emotional and my mum noticed before taking the bag out of my hand and rubbing my back as we walked down the stairs together. At the masjid I saw a few people I knew stood outside and prayed they werent for my wedding, happily I was just being vain as we walked past them with a simple 'Assalamalikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu' and a knowing smile from the daughter who was my age. I stopped in the foyer to fix my hijab and the veil that I had brought with me for the civil ceremony, turning to my friends I told them I wanted to pray for awhile and asked if they could sort out the details of where we had to go afterwards. They agreed and turned on their heels, I looked back to see my mum stood on her own so I walked back to her 'Arent you going with them? or..' I stammered '... do you want to come with me?' I had never even thought to ask her if she wanted to come with me, I couldnt remember a time that my mum had seen me pray, let alone be in a mosque. It was at that point that I remembered my first time in a mosque and kicked myself for being so wrapped up in my own issues than to remember the arkwardness my mother must have felt. 'Ill come with you if thats ok?' she asked waking me from my daydream, I smiled and nodded, then linked her arm and guided her in the direction of the womens prayer area. I had often annoyed myself at my dawah incapabilities with my mother, how I couldnt talk to her about islam and just left her to make up her own opinions as she had already told me she was 'fairly capable of doing!' so I was happy I could do this and smiled to myself as she asked if she needed to cover her head while she came in with me. I told her she didnt have to do anything ghe wasnt comfortable with and that there would be scarves near the doorway if she wanted to wear one, she wrinkled her nose 'eee people have been wearing them, I might get nits' she said quietly. We laughed, then she pulled something from her pocket and told me 'I brought my own, just in case' I gasped when I realised the lavendar silk fabric she was pulling out of her pocket was for her head and I smiled as we took off our shoes and made our way inside. We sat for alittle while and she asked me a few questions about what would be expected of her in the mosque and at the service, I answered the best I could and told her as for the service I didnt even know what was to be expected from me so not to worry. As we sat in silence she pushed me away.. 'go, pray!' she told me, urging me to do what I have intended to come here for, I was sad in a way, I wanted to stay and talk to her about this religion that had pushed me so far away from her yet at the same time had brought us so close together alhamdulillah. I stood up, decided to pray and to pray for her heart to be opened to the beauty of this deen. I went through the motions of salah quietly and smoothly, taking in every position as if it was my last and as I neared the end of my6th rakah I heard a sniffle, those sniffles you have when trying to suck all the tears in so they wouldnt escape. I finished and turned around to see my mother, the woman who had given up so much for me during her life, wiping her eyes and looking for another hankie. I wondered what had caused her emotions to run like this, then I thanked my creator for allowing me this opportunity and asked him to help me make this right. I stood up and started another 2 rakah after checking my watch and noticing that the girls hadnt come back for us just yet. As I sat down for the tashahud at the end of the first rakah I heard the door open and Davina whispered something to my mum then left the room, I heard her stand up and brush herself off then walk over to me. I could feel her eyes watching my every movement, my every breath to the point that I was crying in sujood asking for his help in my life, asking him to open my heart to any test he felt I could withstand, just like I had done the night before when the girls were phoning me from outside my flat. I sat back on the floor asking Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) to bless Muhammed and his family like he had done for Ibrahim and his family, and sent my blessings up to Muhammed (salalahu alayhi wa salam) When I finished I looked to my side to see my mum sat next to me looking down at her hands, she looked over at me and smiled before telling me that the girls were waiting downstairs for us. I stood up and as she looked at me I hugged her and whispered in her ear that I thanked God everyday for bringing her back to me and for allowing her to be with me on this special day. She hugged me back then laughed saying 'come on, before you ruin my makeup, the girls are waiting' :)

the morning

It was finally here, the morning I would become part of a couple. Me & him, him and I, us, them, that couple, and I couldnt wait insha'allah. I woke up in my quiet boxed up flat with my 3 friends who had turned up armed with food the night before when I had needed them, alhamdulillah. I looked at the clock as it flashed 7am, I was getting too old for this staying up late malaky but I smiled as I stretched and knew it would be something that I missed. I poked Helena in the arm as she lay next to me, she smiled and opened one eye to look at me while trying to slowly adjust to the light that was now streaming through my window. I sat up and stretched some more with a stiffled yawn and a twitch of my nose, sitting back against a box it then i was brought back down to earth wondering what the day would bring. The civil service was booked for 12pm that day, with the nikah being performed at the masjid at 930am, we had decided the nikah would be a small service with just family and close friends, then we would all go out for breakfast at a local restaurant where we knew the owners.. ok, where he knew the owners :P Then we would make our way over for the civil service. Suddenly I jumped when my phone started vibrating on the wooden floor and the sound echoed out around the room, 'who had turned my ringer on' I wondered. I flipped open the phone 'Hello? hey mum, just we're all awake. Where are you? ok, you want to come around here? yeh should be room. Then we can meet everyone at the mosque, you sure youre ok with all this? Good' After a while I sniffed, wiped a tear from my eye and tried so hard to stop the quiver in my voice 'I love you too' then I put down the phone reaching for a tissue. Davina sat next to me with some orange juice, gave me a little squeeze and kissed my cheek 'Alhamdulillah sis, alhamdulillah' she smiled, I knew exactly what she meant. Who would think that the woman who gave birth to me, then disowned me for 3 years of my life would be at my wedding? My wedding!! To a muslim man! and not just any muslim man, a non-english muslim man! Alhamdulillah in deedy doody :DSo now we were all sat around driving tea or juice when my mum pulled up downstairs, she rang the bell and I buzzed her in. When I opened the door she gave me a big hug and I was surprised to see what she was wearing, as she went around the girls hugging them all and giggling at everything I smiled to myself as I watched her walk around the room in her bare feet (after taking her shoes off at the door) her floor length lilac coat skimming the floor around the bottom of a pair or ivory loose fitted trousers and a lilac shirt. I felt so proud of her and I knew it had been a big deal for her, but she made no fuss and just carried on.'You want some tea? juice?' I asked her, she shook her head as she fingered the material of my dress hanging over the door. 'Cute outfit Lavine' Davina commented to my mum, she blushed... 'oh just something I found in the shops' she said pulling her jacket off to reveal the shirt underneath, it was at that point that I noticed the sewing detail inside and the fact that there were no labels in the coat told me she had had the jacket made. I smiled to myself, then caught Davinas eye as we both realised the same, then we both mouthed the same words 'masha'allah' and I looked at my mum again with a new found pride. She asked how long it would take to get there and after me telling her it was about 10mins drive away by taxi (which we had booked the night before) she proceeded to ask what needed to be sorted before we left. The list was small but important to me all the same, we had to pick a few relatives up from the train station, although they werent all coming to the masjid they were here for the wedding and it meant just as much to me. There were flowers to pick up on the way to the civil ceremony and there was luggage to drop off at the hotel we had booked for ourselves and a few guests. I had packed my bag the night before under the watchful eyes of my friends, many items went in and out under instructions from them and we laughed during the whole episode, but at least that was done. The time was now just moving past 8am so I pulled out a few things and moved towards the bathroom to get changed, the next time I appeared from the tiny little room I was wearing an ivory long silk slip with a thigh length slit in (to tease him, my mum told me... 'muslim or not, he likes to be teased') I blushed at the conversation we had in la Senza a few weeks before. The girls whistled and my mum knowingly smiled at me, I blushed some more before pulling my dress out from under all the layers. Then disappeared into the bathroom once more, I zipped up the back of the dress (well it was more the side from my hip to just under my arm) after slipping my arms into the sleeves and after having my hijab ironed I smoothed down the sides of the scarf to sit tight against my face and pinned it under my chin. I tucked the ends into my dress as I had decided to do the night before and looked at myself in the mirror, 'was i ready for this? of course!' Now I was ready to step out of the bathroom, i walked out and got the reaction I was looking for alhamdulillah. This was it, this was the start of it all and I could hardly wait... but then I felt sick and turned right back into the bathroom.

the girls

We all sat on the carpeted bare floor, surrounded by boxes and material (I opened a box heehee) and opened several cartons of food. As we munched our way through chickpea curry from Omars, chicken and chips from Raja's, mango juice, salad & vegetable fried rice from the halal chinese down the road, we chatted about the days since we had all been together. They asked what I was doing when they were all sat outside in the car, in the rain.. I told them, 'the only thing I know to do when Im feeling down' they knew what I had been doing, alhamdulillah. We chatted away about my expectations for the next day, all of these friends were all married so they knew the things I was nervous about, they had experienced it themselves at some point. They all dished out advice, most of which I threw over my shoulder and made stupid faces at, we all laughed and clinked glasses (well plastic cups) full of fruity shloer making random toasts like 'to the city that never sleeps', 'to my parents for making us who we are', 'to school for filling me with rubbish that I will never use' It was fun :D My friends havent met my future husband yet, they will see him tomorrow at the ceremony insha'allah... I hope they warm to him quicker than I did.I sat there, remembering our few times together that we have had... once the propsal was done we didnt really see each other, but spoke often and at length on the phone, this was when I got to know the real person who I would be marrying. At first he seemed ok, nice looking but weird.. although maybe it was the whole situation that was freaking me out and not actually him. After some time I realised he had a wicked sense of humour, was kind, thoughtful (although slightly forgetful) always willing to do something for the sake of other people. We chatted about the future, our future, kids, education, even some politics (although i tried to steer away from the subject too) it was generally nice to have someone I could pick up the phone and talk to alhamdulillah... its different with my girls, Ive realised that now, for both sides of the gender scale Im grateful for.I brought myself back to life with a snap when Deena asked me to see my dress for tomorrow, I pointed her in the direction of my kitchen to the mass of material hanging on the back of the door. She pulled down the zipper to reveal a simple yet elegant long white satin gown, the gasp from the ladies told me they approved alhamdulillah. It was fitted near the chest but not too fitted, then shot out from an empire line to the floor, with the fabric touching the floor there was a row of pearls and hidden tiny weights to keep the dress down. My arms would be covered with opaque ivory georgette fabric with the pearls around the sleeves and the neck and also red pearls over the empire seam. On my head I would be wearing a red hijab (to match the pearls, my flowers and my kitten heeled shoes) under a white veil. so imagine... red triangle hijab pinned under chin as normal, then a see thru netted piece of fabric that would drap over my whole head and attached by a pearl covered headband that would also stop it from moving once it had been pushed away from my face. Very traditional and very halal :) alhamdulillah.

that night

.... I followed the routine of salah without thinking about the outside world, in total control of my thoughts and only there for one thing. A sign, something that reminded me that my creator would always be there for me no matter how much I questioned. I prayed 2 rakahs, then 2 more, then 2 more, my legs started to ache and I felt like I didnt have any tears left to release but they kept falling. I prayed for what seemed like 5 minutes but when looking at the clock after 2 more rakahs I saw that 2 hours had passed in complete contemplation. At that point I sat on my prayer mat, raised my hands to the sky and poured out my duaas for me, the ummah, my friends, my family and for the world that surrounded us. I pulled out the one book I had not packed away as it was the most important one, something I knew I could turn to at any point, the Qu'ran. As I was reciting a few verses my phne started to vibrate but at that point I just couldnt pull myself away and wanted to not know what the person on the end of the line would be saying to me. I continued for about 2 chapters, while my phone stopped then started vibrating occassionally bleeping to prove the world was alive. And leaving me messages! What is more important I thought, then I reminded myself of one member of the sahaba who used to pray and fast for days at a time, giving no consideration to those around him. The prophet (saws) reminded him that his body has a right over him aswell as his wife. Well I wasnt a wife yet, but I had been trying to fight the stomach growls for the past hour so I stood up quietly closing my quran and looked at my phone. 20 missed calls, 3 voice messages and 5 texts. Hmm.... after going through them all i realised they were all from the same 3 people and all stood outside my flat :D alhamdulillah for those girls. I looked out through the window with the rain falling down and saw them all sat in a car with bags on their knees and looking a little tired, i immediately felt myself blush at not having faith in my girls. Davina noticed the break in the curtains and pointed up to which everyone piled out the car and waited for me to throw on my scarf to meet them at the door.

This was it, my last night of being just me, what was I supposed to do? I looked around my 1bedroomed flat, with everything packed into boxes looking for something to do. By the end of the week all the boxes would be being unpacked in my new husbands place, along way from here; not physically, more mentally. So what does one do on her last night? throw a party? no, people are supposed to throw you parties! that idea goes out the window. Pamper myself? i suppose when im married I wont have time for myself, but everything is packed away. Damn! I should have thought this through properly before packing.I have never felt like this before, so at a lose of something to do. There was always something to do, but now all my somethings were stashed away in storage and I hadnt the foggiest of where they were. Were my books in the box labelled bedroom, study or living room; it seems so long since I sat in his house with my best friend and my wali. He showed us around the house, I assumed I would have the chance to see it more or at least take things in but that wasnt to be :) I smiled at the thought of his place, my new place, our place. Ive never been part of an 'our' and then it just felt right. Subhanallah, I couldnt even get out my computer and trawl the random blogs I usually do, or look up islamic etiquettes for the wedding night, which was might I add freaking me out!So I picked up the next best thing mi celular (my mobile phone) it was at that point that I got the extra kick that i couldnt even swot up on my newest passion; really getting into the language of some of my ancestors, Spanish. I flicked through the phone book and found exactly who I was looking for, my best friend from school; Helena. It rang and rang and noone answered, so my best friend from university it was to be, very close 2nd and only called 2nd because of the time I had known Helena in relation to Davina. She answered after the 4th ring "Assalamalikum habibti, keef halek?"; "Walikum salam, alhamdulillah, Im good thanks. You?' I replied waiting for the infamous excitedness she always screamed when something loomed in the near future, ie my wedding. Her reply was something I was sort of expecting but her action was not. "Im good alhamdulillah, although super super busy at the moment. Can I give you a tinkle later on? maybe tomorrow insha'allah." before I could reply 'thats fine' or even remind her I would be busy she hung up. As soon as I heard the unfamiliar tone of a hang up the tears fell.Why they fell, I could not tell you. Out of fear, depression, anxiety, stupidness. All or one? Who knows! least of all me, but God does and thats what stopped them as soon as they had started as I stood up to make wudu for my immediate decision to pray until I could take no more.