The big day

Once we had paid for the breakfast and left for the civil ceremony things seemed different, I felt we had drifted into an ease with each other already like when we had first met all those years ago. We sat in the back of the car while my mum and Helena sat in the front driving and chatting, the building was abotu 20mins drive away which gave me time to breath and calm myself. As we set off I muttered the duaa for travelling under my breath and turned to see Sulayman looking out the window and doing the same. This is one aspect of marriage I had looked forward to, someone to share my Islam with, to learn from and learn with, insha'allah I had found that in him. He turned back to me and put his arm around the back of my head leaning it on the top of the seat, he smiled at me sweetly and started to talk about what we could do for the rest of the day. He mentioned going back to my flat to pick up the last remaining boxes and of course he wanted to see where I had been living for the past 3 years, to understand what I had done in that time and how I had grown. Also he wanted us to spend some time with my mum, alone, before driving up the the country hotel we had been booked into with some family for dinner and our first night alone. I blushed at the prospect and he smiled as if knowing what I was blushing for, which made me blush even more. Holding my hand he told me, 'you know, the first time I met you I knew you were special and that night was such a turning point for me in Islam. It made me sit back and try to figure out where I was going and what I was doing, I wanted to give my wife something for the hereafter and when I saw you the second time you took my breath away. I thank Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) for giving me this second chance and I pray that we are together for our lives on this earth and in jannah, if you will have me' I smiled 'Insha'allah' I told him before he pulled my hand up to his lips and gently kissed my knuckles. We arrived at the building after repeatedly being told to act our age in the back of the car from my mum after periodically poking and tickling me, we stepped out of the car and brushed ourselves down to calm ourselves before I looked over at him with his hair all dishevelled and burst out laughing so much Davina pulled me to the toilets to fix myself.
The civil ceremony passed in a haze, this was more for my family than for us, to me I was a married woman and I wanted to get down to the business of knowing about the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Once we signed all the documents and posed for enough pictures we arranged the hotel event and everyone split up, I left my friends and husband outside while I changed into something a little less fancy for the rest of the day. I changed into a long chiffon black maxi dress and covered my bare skin with a loose flowing pale yellow cashmere cardigan, the look was completed with black wedged shoes and a black hijab with tiny crystals sewn around in a random pattern. I stepped out of the changing room to see that Sulayman, my mum and Davina too had changed into things more comfortable which made me feel better about the next few hours even more. Sulayman told me he had left his car outside of my mums house, so my mum drove us back there after dropping off my friends at their houses on the way back, we would all be meeting up later at the hotel so that was something to look forward to. As soon as we were dropped off at his car we exchanged bags into his boot and set off for my flat just down the road, once we had found a space to park in I pulled him across the road and quickly opened the front door. I was excited for some reason to show him my place, it was where I was living through this whole experience and it had in some way made me the person that I was today and for that I was thankful alhamdulillah. He smiled when he asked just how many boxes I had and we realised that maybe a few trips up and down the stairs might be in order, he looked around and commented on the little things I had done to make this my home. The touches of colour and culture I had incorporated into the once off white rooms, I was going to miss this, he then proceeded to tell me 'I think we should move out of where Im living by the end of the year, fresh start in a new place.. then you can add your touches to our place' emphasing on the word 'our' I nodded, liked the idea. I sat down on the floor and watched him trying to organise what boxes to take down first before standing up and asking 'fancy a cup of tea?' he nodded scratching his beard 'please, 1 sugar and milk' I laughed... couldnt believe that I had a husband and I didnt know how he liked his tea, it amused me although he looked perplexed when I explained what I was laughing at. Once all the boxes had been moved into the car we left the room quietly, this was an emotional time for me, I had so many good memories from this flat and I was nervous my new life wouldnt give me as many, I prayed it would. I locked the door for the last time and slid the key through the letterbox as my landlord had instructed me the previous week. I breathed a heavy sigh as he came up behind me, I felt his presence and saw his face next to mine as he whispered in my covered ear 'Im really not that bad you know' I smiled and moved as he kissed the side of my head through my hijab. I couldnt understand what I had done to gain the respect and understanding of this guy who had fallen in love with me while we hadnt even known each other. Allahu alim (God knows best) We then headed out to his place to drop off my boxes and pick up his bag for the evening in the hotel, it had previously been decided that the outfits we were all to wear that evening would be in the code of formal ball wear, so he had bought a tuxedo and I would be wearing a chiffon red empire lined dress, with the red kitten shoes I had worn today, a long black thin over coat to cover my arms and a sparkly red hijab that I had picked up at the ball dress shop the week before. I was looking forward to it, especially the food which was supposed to be amazing there, my mum knew the owner of the hotel so the price of the evening was less than most evenings, which was the decider for actually making this a big event.
As Sulayman moved all the boxes into his little house I sat on the couch and looked around, things seemed different from when i was last here all those months ago but it was nice. Clean, calm, modern, I liked it and hoped that the next place would be just as soothing to the soul. I noticed a quran and prayer mat tucked away in the corner and looking at the clock realised it was time for dhuhr, I took out the quran and began to read while I waited for him to finish so we could pray together and i think he realised this because he quickened his pace then washed up ready to pray. He walked in the room and smiled 'you ready?' he asked, I nodded my head placing the Quran back where I found it and took my position behind my husband to pray for forgiveness, for faith and for the ummah around the world. I had never heard his recitation before so it took me by surprise, the tone of his voice, the singing of his words, it was beautiful masha'allah and it was only as I made duaa after the salah that I realised he had brought me to tears. He turned around to face me just as I was counting on my fingers and reciting tasbeeh, when I finished I wiped my eyes and looked up to see a smile on his face that I would grow to wait for over the years. He patted the ground infront of him and pulled me closer towards him as he sat on his prayer mat with an air around him I couldnt even describe. I sat on my legs infront of him, nervous as to what his intentions were this close to each other, he pulled himself closer and opened his legs so each rested either side of me. Now we were face to face, closer than I had ever remembered, he moved closer and gently kissed the tip of my nose as he had done so earlier in the day, then he looked around my head and unclipped the hijab pin at my chin and pushed the scarf back off my head. He placed his hand softly on my head and muttered a duaa that a new husband should say with his new wife 'O Allaah, I ask you for her good and the good of what You have dispositioned her toward and I seek refuge (in You) from her evil and the evil You have dispositioned her toward' then looked at me smiling and leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. The same kiss that we had shared all those years ago, but this one seemed better, more intense, more meaningful and so much more halal ;) I held his face with my hands as it lingered and i waited to see who would be the first to pull away, he did and looked past my head and said quietly 'we should probably get moving, we have the rest of our lives to absorb each other' I laughed, 'hmm, I dont know if I want to absorb you, I just like looking at you masha'allah' he blushed which made me laugh 'come on' I kissed his nose 'lets get sorted' I said standing up and pulling him with me. I walked over to the big mirror hanging over his fireplace and fixed my hijab to look presentable and covering. Then we left the house holding hands and walked to the car to make our way to the hotel, the start of the rest of our lives.

Thanks for reading my stories :) insha'allah you like them and I would appreciate any comments you have to make regarding them. Now, next storyline?? thats something to think about insha'allah

The beginning

the breakfast went smoothly as we all sat around the tables with more family and friends, I occassionally looked up and smiled. It warmed me to see all these people who were so close to my heart, here for me and my special day and as I sat next to my new husband I couldnt stop smiling. The table was cramped so I found myself knocking the elbow of my mum sat next to me as we dived into the breakfasts put before us, but I found comfort in the fact that my husbands leg was tight next to mine, so tight that I could feel the warmth coming from his skin and I blushed everytime I realised I was thinking of this.
Once food was finished people started to break up to move around to talk with people, or just to step outside. I turned to Sulayman and smiled, he stretched his arms in a yawn and rested both either side of him on the chair backs. I sat back and remembered the time when we had first met, it was years ago.. before I became muslim and before he started practising. We went out with a group of friends and sat chatting for a good portion of the night when we realised we had so much in common, we were into the same sports, the same relaxation hobbies, loved to watch the world go by and we had a similar sense of humour which was unusual for any person from this country let alone 2 people from different countries. We talked about our families, our friends, our lives and eventually got talking about politics and religion, it was then that I heard something positive about Islam. At the end of the night we separated with a promise to keep in touch and a soft kiss on the lips. Then 5 years later I got a call from an old friend who was asking if I wanted to meet her for lunch with a few other friends, by this point I had become muslim and agreed to meet them later that afternoon. When I arrived at the meeting place I was shocked to see many friends who I had lost touch with from uni but was nice all the same, and it was then that I noticed Sulayman was also there and looking very different. He saw me then lowered his eyes almost immediately which made me blush as I looked down at what I was wearing to check I wasnt showing something I shouldnt have been. A few people there hadnt known I had converted but they all commented on my hijab and loose skirt like I had always worn them and it made me feel comfortable in the setting. I sat amongst the girls while we ate occassionally looking up to catch his eye, although not on purpose, all too soon it was time to leave and we stood outside hugging each other and promising to keep in touch. The few guys that were out with us all kept a respectable distance away from me and we parted with 'it was good to see you again' and 'glad things are working out for you' then we were there, stood infront of each other. He salamed me, I salamed him back... and then he was gone. I walked back to my car and drove home in deep contemplation, and that was how I spent the rest of the next few days. About 3 weeks later I got a call from the same friend who had initially invited me out and we had a random chat about nothing, she asked how things were going for me in Islam and how things work at the mosque I go to. I was surprised, she had known long before our reunion that I had converted, but never showed this much interest, I was excited to think she was interesting in Islam insha'allah. So I told her all about my mosque, the classes I took there and the women I had met, from the usual Im-willing-to-marry-you-to-anyone auntie to the masha'allah-a-white-muslim-who-i-must-protect. We both laughed and after about an hour she excused herself and we parted with the 'keep in touch, was good to hear from you' speech. About a week later at jummah, the imam (and my wali) came up to me after the salah and asked if he could speak with me, I admit I was a little nervous, it was usually me who went to him asking for advice. This time it turned out he needed me :) we sat down outside the mosque in the sun with the usual crowd of people leaving and walking in the streets outside, he turned to me and explained that a brother had come to him asking for help in finding a wife. I frowned and he read my frown by immediately telling me 'I know you say you dont want to marry yet, but I know this brother, he is a good muslim masha'allah and I feel he would be perfect for you insha'allah' It was the last part of the sentence that made me think again, my wali was thinking about me alhamdulillah, the brother was perfect for me, not you are perfect for the brother. So I urged him to carry on with his speech and reasoning to which he smiled and carried on telling me about this guy, 'you have seen him' he told me... 'although probably not thought much about the next step' I was curious... who was this guy he was talking about. He gave me some background on him and told me if he had a daughter he wouldnt be asking me, he would be giving the brother to his daughter, 'although I dont think he would agree' he said smiling. I frowned quizzically 'why?' I asked, 'because hes asked for you specifically' I blushed.. someone asking for little me, the person who shys into the background and hopes for the moment on the spotlight to pass quickly. At that point I was intrigued but he wouldnt say anything else, 'just think about it, pray istikharah and let me know insha'allah' I nodded and thanked him before standing up. 'I told the brother that if its ok with you we could meet up at his house, bring your mum or a friend, in a few weeks.' 'Insha'allah' I told him before walking off to leave him sitting on the wall as he usually did during the day, as I turned the corner I pulled out my mobile and called Davina who suggested I take my mum. Tentatively I phoned her and talked to her about the situation, it was all a bit weird for her, the whole process but she agreed to come with me if I decided to meet this guy.
I prayed istikharah as suggested by the imam and decided to go for it, I could always say no if it didnt feel right and I was still under the thought that I needed that initial spark. I phoned him up and we set a time for a few days away, which gave me time to think things through but not enough time to be overly thoughful about it, which I usually was.
When the day came I picked up my mum and we drove over to the house using the directions the imam had given me in our last phone conversation, i stood outside the house wondered whos it was. I had never been to the imams house, so it could have easily been his or some random 3rd person, I stood outside in the front garden looking around and taking in the area. It was nice, peaceful and the weather was so stunning that day that I allowed the sun to just pour into my face which made me smile. I dont know how long I was stood there because the next thing I knew my mum was pulling at my arm and I heard a cough behind me, I knew it wasnt the imam (i knew his older chesty cough) so I turned around to see a face that took me by complete shock. 'Sulayman?' I coughed up nearly choking on my own breath, he smiled 'assalamalikum,' i returned his greeting and blushed a little. 'Are you the brother Im here to meet?' I asked innocently, he smiled and told me he had a brother. But then he stopped the story when he saw how my face dropped, he walked over to me... 'I hope I get more of a smile than that on our wedding day' I blushed profusly at that point, realising the game he was playing and liking that even though he had become a lot more practising masha'allah that he was still very down to earth and hadnt lost his sense of humour. My wali came out of the house holding a bottle of water, 'should we go inside, or do you want to talk out here?' we both looked at each other and without saying a word Sulayman produced a few picnic chairs and a blanket to sit on outside alhamdulilah.
And that was where it all started.

Him

We walked down the stairs and opened the door to find the girls chatting amongst themselves, I tried to straighten myself out before Helena ran over to me 'Girl, does he have a brother?' I was surprised and totally taken off guard. 'who?' I asked... she rolled her eyes, 'who do you think, this dude youre going to spend the rest of your life with!' Davina came over 'we just met him, masha'allah hes so adorable sis and he totally thinks the world of you. So? does he?' I nodded and told them 'you might have to wait awhile though, hes still at school' and flicked my head over in the direction of young Isa. They all turned to look at the young boy stood there fixing his flower so hes ready for later and wearing a massive smile when I waved in his direction. We all giggled and I was tapped lightly on the arm for being immature ;) I was given a low down from the girls as to how everything was going to happen, it didnt sound like much, I had already gone through the marriage certificate with the imam a few days before so we only really had to go through it.. make sure everyone agreed and do the added religious stuff too. I hadnt seen my future hubby for a few weeks, he had been away working in Malaysia so it would be nice to see him at last and I was a little jealous the girls had seen him before me. I knew my mum had seen him last week, he wanted to talk about 'stuff' with her, so I let him be and gave him my mums number after she agreed; its funny, it was only now that I was wondering what they had discussed. I noticed someone walking over to our group with the imam (who was my wali too) he was wearing a cream suit and was playing with the watch around his wrist. He laughed at something the imam said and I frowned as they approached, it was only when he was stood infront of me that I realised it was him, the man I would be spending the rest of my life with insha'allah. I blushed as he looked up and smiled at me 'you ready?' he asked.. not wanting to blurt out anything stupid I nodded and we all followed the imam into his office. As we sat down I looked around the table at my mum, Davina, Helena, Isa, a few of my close cousins, two of his best friends (one of which was acting as a witness, as were my 2 girls) and of course, us. The happy couple! Everything seemed to be happening quickly and I just sat there taking in the words of the imam and smiling when he would say something humourous, which was quite often masha'allah. Then he asked me to sign the certificate and asked my husband to hand over the mahr which I had asked for, as he handed over the box full of little presents that we had picked out over the last few months his fingers brushed mine which bolted me right back to reality, this was it.. .we were now officially in the eyes of God, married... yet still we both blushed when I sat upright after the initial touch. We sat listening to a few words from our friends and family, all I could think about was that touch, it seemed so magical and like nothing I had ever felt before, but most importantly it felt right. Alhamdulillah. After everything was over we all walked down the road to the restaurant where we were to eat breakfast, everything had already been ordered and surprisingly enough we were on time.. so things were working well alhamdulillah. I sort of fell behind trying to make myself look ok with less hours sleep than I usually have and a dragging sensation on my legs, Sulayman turned and noticed I was taking my time so he dropped back with me. 'You ok?' he asked, I nodded... 'just seems so surreal you know, weird almost' he nodded in agreement and took the box from me aswell as all the bits I was trying to carry. 'We will get through this day, and then we can spend the rest of our lives trying to make it unweird. Insha'allah everything with be fine, and you know I will always be here for you if you need me.' I laughed 'you better had be' I told him mockingly 'I didnt go through all this for nothing!' Now he laughed, and it was a laugh i had never heard out of him before, it wasnt as strained or tight as previous laughs and at that point I knew everything was going to work out. He stopped in the middle of the street and turned to me 'this will be ok wont it?' at that moment my heart opened with love for the trust that he was putting in Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) to know that marrying me was the right thing to do. I smiled and without even realising what I was doing held his face in my hand 'insha'allah' I told him, he leaned forward and gently kissed the tip of my nose. We both smiled at each other then turned towards the rest of the group who were turning into the restaurant and walked quickly to join them hand in hand.

the day

.... after sitting on the toilet seat for 10mins to allow myself time to relax I stood up and headed out the bathroom once more. Everyone looked at me waiting to see what I would do next, I breathed in and muttered a little duaa under my breath, Davina smiled and pulled me away from the bathroom to sit with a cup of mint tea. They continued to tell me that the relatives had been picked up at the train station, my luggage was officially on the way to the hotel and that the flowers had already been picked up by my future husbands little brother alhamdulillah so there was nothing for me to do other than get ready and arrive on time. It was coming up to nearly 9am and I decided that I wanted to get there early to prepare myself and maybe pray a little before we all sat down. This would be my first muslim wedding to attend and I would have been more excited by that prospect if there wasnt a huge knot in my stomach for the anticipation of the hours to come. While I sat staring out the window at the trees gently blowing in the breeze I heard a little toot toot and looked below to see the usual female cab driver waving up at my bare window. 'Taxi's here!" I shouted to my flat and there was a quick rush around for bags, the last sip of tea, the quick brush of teeth and the look around the flat before I closed the door on that part of my life forever. It got a little emotional and my mum noticed before taking the bag out of my hand and rubbing my back as we walked down the stairs together. At the masjid I saw a few people I knew stood outside and prayed they werent for my wedding, happily I was just being vain as we walked past them with a simple 'Assalamalikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu' and a knowing smile from the daughter who was my age. I stopped in the foyer to fix my hijab and the veil that I had brought with me for the civil ceremony, turning to my friends I told them I wanted to pray for awhile and asked if they could sort out the details of where we had to go afterwards. They agreed and turned on their heels, I looked back to see my mum stood on her own so I walked back to her 'Arent you going with them? or..' I stammered '... do you want to come with me?' I had never even thought to ask her if she wanted to come with me, I couldnt remember a time that my mum had seen me pray, let alone be in a mosque. It was at that point that I remembered my first time in a mosque and kicked myself for being so wrapped up in my own issues than to remember the arkwardness my mother must have felt. 'Ill come with you if thats ok?' she asked waking me from my daydream, I smiled and nodded, then linked her arm and guided her in the direction of the womens prayer area. I had often annoyed myself at my dawah incapabilities with my mother, how I couldnt talk to her about islam and just left her to make up her own opinions as she had already told me she was 'fairly capable of doing!' so I was happy I could do this and smiled to myself as she asked if she needed to cover her head while she came in with me. I told her she didnt have to do anything ghe wasnt comfortable with and that there would be scarves near the doorway if she wanted to wear one, she wrinkled her nose 'eee people have been wearing them, I might get nits' she said quietly. We laughed, then she pulled something from her pocket and told me 'I brought my own, just in case' I gasped when I realised the lavendar silk fabric she was pulling out of her pocket was for her head and I smiled as we took off our shoes and made our way inside. We sat for alittle while and she asked me a few questions about what would be expected of her in the mosque and at the service, I answered the best I could and told her as for the service I didnt even know what was to be expected from me so not to worry. As we sat in silence she pushed me away.. 'go, pray!' she told me, urging me to do what I have intended to come here for, I was sad in a way, I wanted to stay and talk to her about this religion that had pushed me so far away from her yet at the same time had brought us so close together alhamdulillah. I stood up, decided to pray and to pray for her heart to be opened to the beauty of this deen. I went through the motions of salah quietly and smoothly, taking in every position as if it was my last and as I neared the end of my6th rakah I heard a sniffle, those sniffles you have when trying to suck all the tears in so they wouldnt escape. I finished and turned around to see my mother, the woman who had given up so much for me during her life, wiping her eyes and looking for another hankie. I wondered what had caused her emotions to run like this, then I thanked my creator for allowing me this opportunity and asked him to help me make this right. I stood up and started another 2 rakah after checking my watch and noticing that the girls hadnt come back for us just yet. As I sat down for the tashahud at the end of the first rakah I heard the door open and Davina whispered something to my mum then left the room, I heard her stand up and brush herself off then walk over to me. I could feel her eyes watching my every movement, my every breath to the point that I was crying in sujood asking for his help in my life, asking him to open my heart to any test he felt I could withstand, just like I had done the night before when the girls were phoning me from outside my flat. I sat back on the floor asking Allah (subhana wa ta'ala) to bless Muhammed and his family like he had done for Ibrahim and his family, and sent my blessings up to Muhammed (salalahu alayhi wa salam) When I finished I looked to my side to see my mum sat next to me looking down at her hands, she looked over at me and smiled before telling me that the girls were waiting downstairs for us. I stood up and as she looked at me I hugged her and whispered in her ear that I thanked God everyday for bringing her back to me and for allowing her to be with me on this special day. She hugged me back then laughed saying 'come on, before you ruin my makeup, the girls are waiting' :)

the morning

It was finally here, the morning I would become part of a couple. Me & him, him and I, us, them, that couple, and I couldnt wait insha'allah. I woke up in my quiet boxed up flat with my 3 friends who had turned up armed with food the night before when I had needed them, alhamdulillah. I looked at the clock as it flashed 7am, I was getting too old for this staying up late malaky but I smiled as I stretched and knew it would be something that I missed. I poked Helena in the arm as she lay next to me, she smiled and opened one eye to look at me while trying to slowly adjust to the light that was now streaming through my window. I sat up and stretched some more with a stiffled yawn and a twitch of my nose, sitting back against a box it then i was brought back down to earth wondering what the day would bring. The civil service was booked for 12pm that day, with the nikah being performed at the masjid at 930am, we had decided the nikah would be a small service with just family and close friends, then we would all go out for breakfast at a local restaurant where we knew the owners.. ok, where he knew the owners :P Then we would make our way over for the civil service. Suddenly I jumped when my phone started vibrating on the wooden floor and the sound echoed out around the room, 'who had turned my ringer on' I wondered. I flipped open the phone 'Hello? hey mum, just we're all awake. Where are you? ok, you want to come around here? yeh should be room. Then we can meet everyone at the mosque, you sure youre ok with all this? Good' After a while I sniffed, wiped a tear from my eye and tried so hard to stop the quiver in my voice 'I love you too' then I put down the phone reaching for a tissue. Davina sat next to me with some orange juice, gave me a little squeeze and kissed my cheek 'Alhamdulillah sis, alhamdulillah' she smiled, I knew exactly what she meant. Who would think that the woman who gave birth to me, then disowned me for 3 years of my life would be at my wedding? My wedding!! To a muslim man! and not just any muslim man, a non-english muslim man! Alhamdulillah in deedy doody :DSo now we were all sat around driving tea or juice when my mum pulled up downstairs, she rang the bell and I buzzed her in. When I opened the door she gave me a big hug and I was surprised to see what she was wearing, as she went around the girls hugging them all and giggling at everything I smiled to myself as I watched her walk around the room in her bare feet (after taking her shoes off at the door) her floor length lilac coat skimming the floor around the bottom of a pair or ivory loose fitted trousers and a lilac shirt. I felt so proud of her and I knew it had been a big deal for her, but she made no fuss and just carried on.'You want some tea? juice?' I asked her, she shook her head as she fingered the material of my dress hanging over the door. 'Cute outfit Lavine' Davina commented to my mum, she blushed... 'oh just something I found in the shops' she said pulling her jacket off to reveal the shirt underneath, it was at that point that I noticed the sewing detail inside and the fact that there were no labels in the coat told me she had had the jacket made. I smiled to myself, then caught Davinas eye as we both realised the same, then we both mouthed the same words 'masha'allah' and I looked at my mum again with a new found pride. She asked how long it would take to get there and after me telling her it was about 10mins drive away by taxi (which we had booked the night before) she proceeded to ask what needed to be sorted before we left. The list was small but important to me all the same, we had to pick a few relatives up from the train station, although they werent all coming to the masjid they were here for the wedding and it meant just as much to me. There were flowers to pick up on the way to the civil ceremony and there was luggage to drop off at the hotel we had booked for ourselves and a few guests. I had packed my bag the night before under the watchful eyes of my friends, many items went in and out under instructions from them and we laughed during the whole episode, but at least that was done. The time was now just moving past 8am so I pulled out a few things and moved towards the bathroom to get changed, the next time I appeared from the tiny little room I was wearing an ivory long silk slip with a thigh length slit in (to tease him, my mum told me... 'muslim or not, he likes to be teased') I blushed at the conversation we had in la Senza a few weeks before. The girls whistled and my mum knowingly smiled at me, I blushed some more before pulling my dress out from under all the layers. Then disappeared into the bathroom once more, I zipped up the back of the dress (well it was more the side from my hip to just under my arm) after slipping my arms into the sleeves and after having my hijab ironed I smoothed down the sides of the scarf to sit tight against my face and pinned it under my chin. I tucked the ends into my dress as I had decided to do the night before and looked at myself in the mirror, 'was i ready for this? of course!' Now I was ready to step out of the bathroom, i walked out and got the reaction I was looking for alhamdulillah. This was it, this was the start of it all and I could hardly wait... but then I felt sick and turned right back into the bathroom.

the girls

We all sat on the carpeted bare floor, surrounded by boxes and material (I opened a box heehee) and opened several cartons of food. As we munched our way through chickpea curry from Omars, chicken and chips from Raja's, mango juice, salad & vegetable fried rice from the halal chinese down the road, we chatted about the days since we had all been together. They asked what I was doing when they were all sat outside in the car, in the rain.. I told them, 'the only thing I know to do when Im feeling down' they knew what I had been doing, alhamdulillah. We chatted away about my expectations for the next day, all of these friends were all married so they knew the things I was nervous about, they had experienced it themselves at some point. They all dished out advice, most of which I threw over my shoulder and made stupid faces at, we all laughed and clinked glasses (well plastic cups) full of fruity shloer making random toasts like 'to the city that never sleeps', 'to my parents for making us who we are', 'to school for filling me with rubbish that I will never use' It was fun :D My friends havent met my future husband yet, they will see him tomorrow at the ceremony insha'allah... I hope they warm to him quicker than I did.I sat there, remembering our few times together that we have had... once the propsal was done we didnt really see each other, but spoke often and at length on the phone, this was when I got to know the real person who I would be marrying. At first he seemed ok, nice looking but weird.. although maybe it was the whole situation that was freaking me out and not actually him. After some time I realised he had a wicked sense of humour, was kind, thoughtful (although slightly forgetful) always willing to do something for the sake of other people. We chatted about the future, our future, kids, education, even some politics (although i tried to steer away from the subject too) it was generally nice to have someone I could pick up the phone and talk to alhamdulillah... its different with my girls, Ive realised that now, for both sides of the gender scale Im grateful for.I brought myself back to life with a snap when Deena asked me to see my dress for tomorrow, I pointed her in the direction of my kitchen to the mass of material hanging on the back of the door. She pulled down the zipper to reveal a simple yet elegant long white satin gown, the gasp from the ladies told me they approved alhamdulillah. It was fitted near the chest but not too fitted, then shot out from an empire line to the floor, with the fabric touching the floor there was a row of pearls and hidden tiny weights to keep the dress down. My arms would be covered with opaque ivory georgette fabric with the pearls around the sleeves and the neck and also red pearls over the empire seam. On my head I would be wearing a red hijab (to match the pearls, my flowers and my kitten heeled shoes) under a white veil. so imagine... red triangle hijab pinned under chin as normal, then a see thru netted piece of fabric that would drap over my whole head and attached by a pearl covered headband that would also stop it from moving once it had been pushed away from my face. Very traditional and very halal :) alhamdulillah.

that night

.... I followed the routine of salah without thinking about the outside world, in total control of my thoughts and only there for one thing. A sign, something that reminded me that my creator would always be there for me no matter how much I questioned. I prayed 2 rakahs, then 2 more, then 2 more, my legs started to ache and I felt like I didnt have any tears left to release but they kept falling. I prayed for what seemed like 5 minutes but when looking at the clock after 2 more rakahs I saw that 2 hours had passed in complete contemplation. At that point I sat on my prayer mat, raised my hands to the sky and poured out my duaas for me, the ummah, my friends, my family and for the world that surrounded us. I pulled out the one book I had not packed away as it was the most important one, something I knew I could turn to at any point, the Qu'ran. As I was reciting a few verses my phne started to vibrate but at that point I just couldnt pull myself away and wanted to not know what the person on the end of the line would be saying to me. I continued for about 2 chapters, while my phone stopped then started vibrating occassionally bleeping to prove the world was alive. And leaving me messages! What is more important I thought, then I reminded myself of one member of the sahaba who used to pray and fast for days at a time, giving no consideration to those around him. The prophet (saws) reminded him that his body has a right over him aswell as his wife. Well I wasnt a wife yet, but I had been trying to fight the stomach growls for the past hour so I stood up quietly closing my quran and looked at my phone. 20 missed calls, 3 voice messages and 5 texts. Hmm.... after going through them all i realised they were all from the same 3 people and all stood outside my flat :D alhamdulillah for those girls. I looked out through the window with the rain falling down and saw them all sat in a car with bags on their knees and looking a little tired, i immediately felt myself blush at not having faith in my girls. Davina noticed the break in the curtains and pointed up to which everyone piled out the car and waited for me to throw on my scarf to meet them at the door.

This was it, my last night of being just me, what was I supposed to do? I looked around my 1bedroomed flat, with everything packed into boxes looking for something to do. By the end of the week all the boxes would be being unpacked in my new husbands place, along way from here; not physically, more mentally. So what does one do on her last night? throw a party? no, people are supposed to throw you parties! that idea goes out the window. Pamper myself? i suppose when im married I wont have time for myself, but everything is packed away. Damn! I should have thought this through properly before packing.I have never felt like this before, so at a lose of something to do. There was always something to do, but now all my somethings were stashed away in storage and I hadnt the foggiest of where they were. Were my books in the box labelled bedroom, study or living room; it seems so long since I sat in his house with my best friend and my wali. He showed us around the house, I assumed I would have the chance to see it more or at least take things in but that wasnt to be :) I smiled at the thought of his place, my new place, our place. Ive never been part of an 'our' and then it just felt right. Subhanallah, I couldnt even get out my computer and trawl the random blogs I usually do, or look up islamic etiquettes for the wedding night, which was might I add freaking me out!So I picked up the next best thing mi celular (my mobile phone) it was at that point that I got the extra kick that i couldnt even swot up on my newest passion; really getting into the language of some of my ancestors, Spanish. I flicked through the phone book and found exactly who I was looking for, my best friend from school; Helena. It rang and rang and noone answered, so my best friend from university it was to be, very close 2nd and only called 2nd because of the time I had known Helena in relation to Davina. She answered after the 4th ring "Assalamalikum habibti, keef halek?"; "Walikum salam, alhamdulillah, Im good thanks. You?' I replied waiting for the infamous excitedness she always screamed when something loomed in the near future, ie my wedding. Her reply was something I was sort of expecting but her action was not. "Im good alhamdulillah, although super super busy at the moment. Can I give you a tinkle later on? maybe tomorrow insha'allah." before I could reply 'thats fine' or even remind her I would be busy she hung up. As soon as I heard the unfamiliar tone of a hang up the tears fell.Why they fell, I could not tell you. Out of fear, depression, anxiety, stupidness. All or one? Who knows! least of all me, but God does and thats what stopped them as soon as they had started as I stood up to make wudu for my immediate decision to pray until I could take no more.